Why Couldn't She Have Signed It?!? CNN Anchor Carol Costello Recalls Fondly the Good Ol' Days When Michelle Obama "Signed the Hunger-Free Kids Act Into Law"...

Reportedly, only the elected president himself can technically schmecnilly sign bills into law, but isn't that just a short-sighted technicality?  To this one, telling Michelle she can't sign bills into law would be akin to telling Queen Elizabeth she has no authority to legally act simply because she's a woman...

Methinks Michelle's old man needs to sign an executive order making it perfectly clear that his wife has just as much power and right to sign things into law as he does.  Any other result is purely sexist and misogynist, smacking more of a gop-er led War on Women than anything resembling a contemporary constitutional mandate.  Just ask Carol Costello and her other fellow network news anchors everywhere.

http://newsbusters.org/blogs/mike-bates/2014/05/27/cnn-s-costello-was-mrs-obama-back-2010-when-she-signed-healthy-hunger-fr

Holy Juice Jugs: When Did It Become Newsworthy For Some Broad to Sashay Around in Public Holding a Bottle of Green Slime?!?

ANS: When Kelly Brook recently left her front door wearing that outfit, that's when.

The British actress and model was photographed strutting around the streets of L.A. after reportedly purchasing her fill of green slime at some joint called The Pressed Juicer (link below).

Now, we here at T.I.R. have known for quite some time that this luxuriant lassie has a great rack, and it's evident from her choice of get-ups that she's quite apprised of the situation too.

And ya know, there are ways of not sellin' the whole farm there, Kelly. But NO, some people just gots to flaunt it, don't they?!?  OK then! We get it! We know! We're aware! You've got big tits! Get over yourself, already, Vegetable Cans!

And while you're at it, keep them bottles a green slime the hell away from this one.  Rager Don't Pound Puree.

http://fixmoneyy2minutes.com/tvshowbiz/article-2616901/Kelly-Brook-shows-curves-poses-outside-smoothie-shop-Los-Angeles.html

Ass Is Out: "Pervert Dads" Reportedly Have 17-Year-Old Broad with "Big Ass" Booted Right Outta Prom Night For Allegedly Shakin' That Ass Like a Salt Shaker in "Provocative" Attire!

She's 17-year-old high school senior Clare Hettinger of Richmond, Virginia, and that's her ass and pic above, from the Gawker website and a recent blog post by Clare.  She says a bunch of horny old dads at the senior prom absolutely ruined her prom night by causing her to get run from the joint simply for having too nice an ass!

These "pervert dads," apparently only too happy to stare at this underaged broad's ass, still reportedly complained that the ass was "arousing impure thoughts" in them because the ass wasn't adequately covered and the ass was shaking around in a most "provocative" fashion out there on the dance floor! So they promptly gave this muffin ass dame her walking papers right out the joint!

But False Accusations, says Miss Teen Ass! Clare claims her dress conformed to the school's "fingertip length" dress code rule, that other shorter broads had even shorter dresses (Clare is 5'7"), and that she wasn't even dancing for chrissakes!

Says this Bad Ass Offender:  "Goddamn I'm not responsible for some perverted 45 year old dad lusting after me because I have a sparkly dress on and a big ass for a teenager. And if you think I am, then maybe you're part of the problem!"

I've just three observations here:

- First, if these horny pervert dads were so damn enamored with this broad's ass, then why the hell were they complaining?  Shut the fuck up and enjoy the show, already, ya dirty old bastards!

- Second, if you must stare at a 17-year-old's ass, then keep your damn trap shut about it!  Case you hadn't a noticed, she's underaged, and that shit ain't cool.  At.  All.

- Finally, a little PSA:  Kids -- Never take the Lord's name in vain.

http://gawker.com/teen-girl-ejected-from-prom-because-horny-dads-cant-sto-1575694507?utm_campaign=socialflow_gawker_facebook&utm_source=gawker_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow
http://www.hannahettinger.com/fuck-the-patriarchy-guest-post-by-clare/

Ghost Busted: "Paranormal Activity" Actress Claims She Was Raped by a Spirit, But Thoroughly Enjoyed the Experience!

Says the above-pictured Natasha Black about the night she got banged by a specter:  "At first I was very confused then I decided to relax and it was really pleasurable, I really enjoyed it!"  This ghost groupie even claims the same ghost came back for seconds a month later! (Link below)

But if you think about it, this ain't all so far-fetched. In my own checkered past, I've been known to do a little ghost hunting and graveyard gravy-trainin' myself, and I've had my own bad experiences with the undead fucking around with me like they did with Natasha. A few instances that I can repeat:

- Around 1992, this one ghoul whipped out a big buggy whip and started lashing me over and over right across my ass. I decided to submit and just lie there and take it, even spouting, "Thank you, Casper, may I have another?" It wasn't a bad time, truth be told.

- In the mid-90s, another spirit took to beating me about my breasts, head and genitalia with an over-sized oven mitt filled with arcade tokens. I got two tokens stuck up my nose and couldn't ride my jackass, Frank, for over a month.

- After a particularly wild night out to the bars in the early 2000s, I woke up in the graveyard to the awful feeling of a rather large male hobgoblin trying to have sex with my left ear. He hadn't protected himself, so I pulled off and got the hell outta there. No Glove, No Love, dude.

- In the mid-2000s, a female dominatrix apparition showed up with a tub of lard and tried to goo the sticky stuff all over my bare body and ass while singing Danke Shane and beating me senseless with a riding crop. Tired of being victimized by these creepers, I grabbed a meat tenderizer and bashed that crazy S-and-M spirit right in her fuckin' order-barking piehole.

- Just in the past couple a years, a specter whom I swear was the ghost of Teddy Kennedy possessed my car with me in it, loaded up some broad in there, and tried to drive our asses right off the Broadway Bridge into the Missouri River. Luckily this car-jackin' demon was all liquored up at the time and passed out trying to negotiate the ride over the east guard rail. If only Mary Jo Kopechne or Natasha Black had been so lucky!

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/actress-claims-experiences-ghost-sex-article-1.1773793

W-T-F?!? Model Cara Delevingne Refuses to Get Tongue Tied Around "BFF" & Bradley Cooper Girlfriend Suki Waterhouse!

Hey, if this hot little number Cara ever wants to lick my armpit in the shower or lap the side of my face like a freakin' dog, then I'm into it over here!

While I ain't into overly gabby broads, I also like ones whom I need not ever ask why the cat's got their tongue.

I would only ask that she put that thing away once I lay my head down to sack out.  Kids: Never lay a warm snake on a grown man while he's sleepin'.

http://www.entertainmentwise.com/news/147249/Pitwash-Suki-Waterhouse-Flashes-Underboob-As-Cara-Delevingne-Licks-Her-Underarm
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2610463/Suki-Waterhouse-displays-underboob-cutaway-swimsuit-Cara-Delevingne-licks-underarm.html

"Obama Supporters: Not Liking Mexican Food Is Racist." But Does That Mean That LIKIN' Mexican Food Absolves One of All His Racism?

Look it.  I don't like Obama's policies.  I don't like him personally.  There's not a thing about that individual that I care too much for. To boot, he's one of the two worst presidents of my lifetime (pretty much tied with W Bush).  So this is my starting point:  I'm obviously a racist...

But then I see this recent item (link below) where Obama supporters are caught on video likening a disdain for Mexican food to good ol' fashioned racism.  Here's the thing:  I LOVE Mexican food! So what am I really?!?

Since I was a young strappin' lad of 20-something age, I've been taking my Kraut-Mick honkey ass down there to the Taco Bell and polishing off 4-5 bean burritos in a single sitting, and washing it all down with a Nachos Supreme. And not just that joint...

In my time, I've done 'em all, baby! I'm talkin' now-defunct (or nearly defunct) Mexican joint chains like Taco Tico, Taco Palace, El Sombre's, In A Tub, Taco Barrel-Ass, and Taco Gringo (as the jingle went in the stereotypical Mexican accent, "Have a Taco, Gringo!").

Does my love of everything taco sauce, nacho cheese, and Bell Burger (yes, I can recall when that was still on the TB menu) absolve and wash away all of my other obvious racism for being an Obama opponent?  What if I were to tell you that I really like Chinese food too? As well as, dare I say it, Pakistani?!?

So C'mon, what's my label, leftists?!? Sticking trite, hateful little labels on human beings is what you and right-wingers are best at, so what's mine? Part-time racist? A racist for certain purposes? A switch-racist? Bi-racist? Tranny racist?

See, I need to know who I am, damn it. I need to know my place in this world. And some high, unending leftist wisdom in this regard would be so appreciated...

Maybe I could start by seeking out and asking the people on the video (the linked video, mind you, not "THE Video" that caused Benghazi) and see what those people gots to say. I'll come in peace, totin' a big sack a burritos, chalupas and gorditas for one and all. And don't worry, I won't forget the Fire Sauce.

http://www.infowars.com/obama-supporters-not-liking-mexican-food-is-racist/

OH MY!!! Rihanna Outdoes Herself Yet Again, Bares Full Nips & Ass for French Magazine!

Last time I checked in here with Rihanna, she was smokin' some cigarettes and showin' some bare ass as she paddled about on a surfboard somewhere on the ocean. I thought those were some of the hottest shots I've seen of this hyper-hottie singer broad. At least until now...

That's her above on the cover of French magazine Lui, and Good Grief -- I Surrender! But apparently that cover shot, the above ass shot, and other topless and assless pics from the same shoot didn't go over so well with the right-winger-like prudes over at Instagram (links below)...

Instagram promptly yanked down the photos right after Rihanna posted them there!  The bastards even shut down her account for awhile after she posted the pics! Killjoys.

But thanks in advance to the folks at Instagram for letting me know about one heavily trafficked website out there that I need not bother visiting or exploring for the first time. Methinks me'll pass. Life's too short to be bored or boring. But I digress.

As for Rihanna, I must say that I am a bit disappointed that she's apparently given up her cancer sticks. Is there any cooler broad in the civilized world than a hot little number who smokes like a fish and likes to get her drink on?

So Hey Rihanna:  Rager'd be happy to mail ya a carton a Luckies to help ya jump back off the ol' tobacco wagon. Just shoot me an address over here! Go 'head, shoot!

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2014/04/29/rihanna-topless-lui-magazine_n_5235272.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2616061/Rihanna-goes-topless-SECOND-time-month-stripping-French-magazine-Lui.html

Hot Baked Banana Broad: Australian "Fitness Guru" Goes Around Looking Like This Just By Eating a Bunch of Bananas & Fruits All Damn Day Long!

This fruit job from down under is named Loni Jane Anthony, otherwise known as "Freelee the Banana Girl" (link below).  This fruit freak's known to whack down dozens of bananas a day before polishing off some mangoes, pineapples and orange juice just for good measure. She credits her "all fruit all the time" diet for her knock-out physique...

But apparently this hot little fruit loop is taking a lot of grief from curmudgeony dietitians, who just can't ever seem to shut the fuck up about balanced diets from the five traditional food groups.  YAWN! I'd like to go on record with my full support for this fruit skirt...

I'd like to go over there to her joint and see her melons and peach cans and get the ol' fruit juices flowin'. I wanna munch on her cherry niblets and show her my plantain and basenji nuts. Hey, I could use to be whipped into shape, and she's just the fruit floozy to do it. Just one caveat: Rager does not eat grapefruit.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/11/freelee-banana-girl-diet-51-bananas-a-day_n_5132629.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2601633/I-eat-51-bananas-day-Self-proclaimed-diet-guru-claims-toned-physique-MOUNTAINS-fruit-eats-single-meal-time.html

Not Necrophilia! Rager Apparently Lives In One of Only "Four States in the Country Where You Can Have Sex With a Dead Body, But You Can't Legally Receive a Blow Job"!

Well shit.  To get in line with the law, looks like I'm gonna have to eschew these broads among the living and take my ass down to the damn funeral parlor. But I guess it's as the man once said -- a hole's a hole, no? BTW, does formaldehyde burn the flesh?

http://gawker.com/here-are-the-states-where-blowjobs-are-illegal-but-necr-1563878569
http://dailycaller.com/2014/04/16/necrophilia-is-legal-in-these-states/

Would Obamacare Also Fund Free Boob Jobs & Thousands of Bucks in Dental Work for Knocked Up Broads?: Busty British Bimbo Gets the Works on the Limey Taxpayers' Dime Across the Pond...

I can't imagine that Obamacare would not cover such things, since any other course would naturally constitute a bona fide War on Women. And the Brits are apparently in lock step over there . . . Just a take a look at them big fake honkers on this 24-year-old ex-hooker Josie Cunningham!

She reportedly somehow got the British government's National Health Service ("NHS") to foot the bill for her massive melon upsizing to the tune of over $8,000. (While, at the same time, the NHS refused to pay for surgery that would have allowed a 2-year-old girl with cerebral palsy to walk -- How bouts them well-placed federal government priorities for ya?!?).

The new fake rack reportedly assisted Josie in "falling into a life of prostitution," and now she's got a bun in the ol' oven (not knowing who papa is, however). But alas, it's about time to let the welfare really start rollin' in, baby!...

According to the linked stories, all preggers dames in Britain are "entitled" to "free NHS dental care." (The link 'tween good dental hygiene and popping out a little shit being so readily apparent, of course).

So far this public dole doll Josie has souped up her mouth and stuck it to the taxpayer for another $4,000, enjoying her free dental implants, fillings, wisdom teeth removal, and root canal surgery.

Says this Limey leach defiantly: "I'm sure people will be annoyed that I'm accepting this freebie, but I couldn't care less!" She's even pissed that her free dental care only covers silver (and not gold) fillings, although she waxes philosophical: "I guess beggars can't be choosers." I just wonder if she says the same thing when reflecting on her anonymous Baby Daddy?

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/04/01/nhs-boob-job-mum-escort-josie-cunningham-pregnant-_n_5067810.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2593913/Model-breast-implants-NHS-2-5k-teeth-paid-taxpayer.html

"Public University Looks to Lower Number of White Students on Campus." But What If My Sorry White Ass Is Also Part Indian Like Elizabeth Warren?

We're talkin' something called Western Washington University, and apparently that joint gots way too many honkies runnin' round the place!  That's according to brain-trust university president Bruce Shepard, who "has stated that his explicit goal is to reduce the white population on campus" (links below)...

So to ensure some good old-fashioned white flight away from said campus, the good Prez is taking a little affirmative action, such as reportedly sending "a questionnaire to students asking them for advice on how the administration could succeed at making sure that in future years, 'we are not as white as we are today.'"

For good measure, Shepard is reportedly also "asking students to consider strategies that other universities have used to focus on skin color as the paramount indicator of a student-applicant's worth."

Now, while all that may sound well and good to your garden-variety leftist group-thinker, what if I happen to be a pasty white prep student cracka-ass with his little heart set on the hallowed halls of WWU? What am I do to? I don't want to be excluded over here! Well...

My best advice to that kid: Just become part Indian like democrat party Massachusetts senator (and national leftist 20 percenter hero) Elizabeth Warren (link below; pic above).  Claim to be 1/64th Indian or some shit...

And if you can't happen to prove that claim through any type of legitimate documentation? Forgettaboutit! Just say that being part Indian has always been a part of your "family folklore."  Just like Lefty Liz!

Then check it: Wham-bam, thank ya Ma'am, you're a freakin' minority! In Like Flynn, baby! Hell, once you apply, President Shepard will probably be down there in your front yard the next day tossin' a damn pow wow!

http://www.campusreform.org/?ID=5549
http://dailycaller.com/2014/04/15/white-is-not-right-campus-admin-ask-for-help-weeding-out-white-people/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_warren#Native_American_controversy

A Little Privacy Please: Hows About If I Bang This Bad Attitude "Human Barbie Doll" Broad Down in the "Hook-Up Truck"?!?

As was pointed out to me recently by an ageless Cleopatra-like wonder in Cowtown, this ingenious new Hook-Up Truck (in which reservations can be made starting at 30 minutes; link below) should mean an end to the days when I have to bang broads on top of a desk or down underground somewhere. Now as for this Human Barbie Doll (28-year-old Valeria Lukyanova) piece of work...

That broad needs a real attitude adjustment, and I'm just the one to learn her a few lessons over here.  It seems Human Barbie (link below) really hates kids and also -- much like something straight out of a Mississippi shithouse -- ain't too big on the notion of mixed race children neither...

But just give me an hour with this sick racist doll out in the ol' Hook-Up Truck, and I'll bang all the bigotry right out of her plastecine little ass! I'll conduct a little educational romper room right there in the Truck, if ya know what I mean. Then Barbie Be Born Again!

And kids, do not forget: If that truck be a rockin', never go a knockin'.

http://www.eonline.com/news/529091/human-barbie-tells-gq-she-s-repulsed-by-kids-says-mixed-races-have-ruined-beauty-standards?cmpid=sn-111021-facebook-na-eonline
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/28/hookup-truck-mobile-sex-parking_n_5042001.html

No Alternative: Oklahoma Man Gets Tired of Having Sex With His AUNT "In Exchange For a Place to Live," and So Naturally He Whacks Her Out (Allegedly)...

37-year-old Jeremy Sappington is charged with murdering his 50-year-old maternal aunt, Verna Sarten (both pictured above), of Chouteau, Oklahoma. Sappington reportedly told cops he was banging Auntie "in exchange for housing" until one day he just got sick of the hag. Sappington further told cops:

"He wanted to break things off with his aunt, so he grabbed a gun that Sarten had been hiding under her mattress, walked up behind her and fired a shot at her head."

Now, I don't mean to be one to judge, but I do think that if this Sappington would've taken just a little bit of time to think things through, he might've come up with a better break-up plan. And something short of first degree murder (allegedly). A few ideas:

- Hit up your Mama's other sisters for some new digs, and take to banging one of them instead to pay the rent.

- Two words: The first cousins.

- Three words: And What About Mama?

- If you're swingin' both ways, see if Uncle might've been willing to substitute into Auntie's slot a few times a week. Just to mix things up.

- Avoid the death penalty and life in prison by merely giving Auntie a good beatin' to drive home the break up point. Take a riding crop to her ass to make sure she capisce.

- Or, if gunplay's a must, then eschew blowing Auntie's brains out in favor of sending her a clear message. A blast in the knee cap, by way of example, will usually clench ya the title.

But alas, I admit we don't know the whole back story here. Maybe Sappington did try some of these alternative measures, but to no avail. 'Course, he could've just walked away from the situation too. Not to be unfairly simplistic over here.

http://houston.cbslocal.com/2014/03/15/police-oklahoma-man-killed-aunt-to-end-sexual-relationship/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2580486/Jeremy-Sappington-shot-dead-aunt-tried-burn-body-tired-having-sex-exchange-place-live.html

War on Women: "180,000 More Women Unemployed in March" Under the Obama Economy AND Obama Pays Men More Than Women at the White House!

Good Golly Miss Molly, just leave it to Obama and his democrat party leftist acolytes.  It's not enough, them waging an incessant war on men and on males who act like real men.

Nope...

They gots-ta take the war to the women-folk too! Just take a gander at them depressing plunging female job numbers for Chrissakes! (Link below).  (Monday's latest:  Hypocrite Obama demands equal pay for women nationwide while his own pathetic White House pays women less than men!  Same ol' leftist Barack and Michelle: Do as we say, Not as we do!!  Hypocrites.)

What's next, leftist 20 percenters? A war on dogs? Small children? Old codgers? Cripples? Midgets? Hobos? Circus freaks?  You leftists sure are a mean lot, let me tell ya. No compassion whatsoever.

http://www.cnsnews.com/news/article/ali-meyer/180000-more-women-unemployed-march

"Hands Off My Man!" Kate Gosselin Allegedly Gets "Close" to Her Married Bodyguard, Draws the Ire of the Dude's Old Lady!

Kate was reportedly seen at a recent concert holding hands with married bodyguard, Steve Neild (just hope it wasn't his gun hand). Now Radar's reporting that wifey (Gina Downie Neild) has retaliated, "posting a defiant family picture" online showing Neild, the old lady and the boys all together as one big happy perfect family (pic above).

The reports and indications have been out there for awhile that Kate the divorcee has had plethora problems on the dating scene due to a sour, ultra-Diva personality that might make Raquel Welch seem like a piss-clam.

So the match.com and fix-up routes having apparently failed, maybe it would make sense that this broad's now hitting up a married guy (allegedly) who works in a position of trust for her. But don't-cha got any single help around that joint, Kate?...

Maybe a non-married gardener, an available cook, or an on-the-market butler? And if all else fails, there's always the milk man (aren't they always single?).

Besides, how the hell's this Neild The Bodyguard gonna watch your backside if you're constantly watching his (allegedly)? Stick that paw somewhere else, Hannah Homewrecker (allegedly)!

http://www.examiner.com/article/kate-gosselin-s-rumored-romance-s-wife-posts-picture-of-perfect-family
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2588261/Kate-Gosselin-fire-wife-bodyguard-rumoured-close-posts-defiant-family-picture.html

Sick Stereotype: "Mugshot Accumulator Draws Up Most Likely Faces to Be Arrested for Drug Offenses." Really?!?

I'm personally offended over here.  I take that composite mugshot as an affront. A great slight. The ultimate disrespect. A personal insult to my individual personhood...

Forgettabout the broad, I'm focusing on the dude.  He shares certain resemblances to the younger version of me, all the way down to them beady little brown eyes and that perfectly rounded schnoz.

If I didn't know better, that guy could almost be the young me. As such, I easily could fall in love with him if only I swang in that direction. And that's supposed to be the typical face of someone who gets tossed in the hoosegow?

Here's the problem: I ain't spent a minute in the can in over 14 years. And I wouldn't know the inside of a meth lab from an Alabama shithouse. Hell, I've never even pulled a damn bank job!

So methinks Mr. Mugshot Accumulator needs to G-F-H and/or stick his own freakin' mush up on that picture. Leave me the hell out of it, ya prick ya! Now I'm so riled up that my goiter's flaring up like a Kansas City Zoo rumble. I gots to scoot...

http://motherboard.vice.com/read/this-is-your-digitized-composite-face-on-drugs
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2585893/Gaunt-sagging-skin-sleep-depraved-Heres-average-person-arrested-meth-possession-looks-like.html

"Did She Get a Boob Job?," Queries Headline Concerning Glee's Naya Rivera. Are You Kidding Me? Is Vladimir Putin's Melon Big, Round & Oversized?

After and before pics from Miss Naya above. OF COURSE she just upsized them cans! Please! And a very healthy enhancement it was.

Now if Naya can just convince her fellow Glee co-star Lea Michelle to get a tit job (the only thing missing from her otherwise complete package).

And same for that cookin' broad, Rachael Ray. Although I've been saying she needs to ramp up her rack for years now.

Maybe now Naya can be that good example and positive influence that will finally bring some of these other hot little numbers in line. Lord knows they could use just a little encouragement over there.

http://hollywoodlife.com/2014/03/19/naya-rivera-boob-job-instagram-pic-bikini-before-after/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2584380/Did-breast-job-Glees-Naya-Rivera-posts-photo-larger-chest.html

Vatican Chief Justice: "Obama's Policies 'Have Become PROGRESSIVELY More Hostile Toward Christian Civilization.'" But Ain't That the Name of the Game?

Says Cardinal Leo Raymond Burke (an obvious racist) (pictured above) this week:  "The policies of the president of the United States have become progressively more hostile toward Christian civilization. He appears to be a totally secularized man who aggressively promotes anti-life and anti-family policies."

But whassup, Cardinal? Obama and his ilk don't call themselves by the P-Word for nuttin', there, pal! And who doesn't want progress wrapped in a succinct suffix? Get with the program, boss.

Although I never use that word, personally. No P-Word in this space. They'll always just be garden-variety leftists to me.  Or leftist 20 percenters, if you please.

I note also that the good Cardinal is a former archbishop of St. Louis, although I assume he resides at the Vatican these days...

And best stay there, buddy. Well out the reach of the IRS, Justice and EPA. The NSA, on the other hand ... I'd think about channeling some Jimmy Carter and embracing the ol' snail-mail over there, chief.

http://stlouis.cbslocal.com/2014/03/24/vatican-chief-justice-obamas-policies-have-become-progressively-more-hostile-toward-christian-civilization/

Makin' Some Shit-Faced Sense: Florida Man Gets Busted for DUI, Tells Cops He Was Just Trying to "Drive It Off" by Heading to a Bar After the Old Lady Told Him He Drinks Too Much...

61-year-old Michael Moore has a simple story (link below). He says he was downing some brews at home recently when the old lady jumped his ass for drinking too much. So he gots in his car to heads to a bar, but not before he says he tried to "drive it off" (his buzz) on the way there. Cops stopped Moore for speeding and hauled him to the hoosegow for DUI.

So this story makes the Net rounds as just another "dumb crime" committed in the U.S., but methinks there's a certain clarity of logic to our plastered perpetrator's explanation. Follow me here:

-The old lady's giving Moore the business for boozin' it up again, so he decides he better sober his ass up. Ever the obedient old man, this guy.

-What better way to sober up than to place oneself in a location where there's no alcohol to tempt? Moore needed to get out the joint and find a dry spot. Which he did. Behind the wheel.

-I'm assuming the night was still young, and Moore didn't want to fall asleep. So instead of just sitting in the car like a sloth, Moore gets that ride a' rollin' to try to "drive it off" -- just like wifey wanted.

-But since he can't exactly get his drink on back at home after sobering up, he needed an end destination that (1) brings the wet and (2) won't bust his balls for liquoring the hell back up.  Only one joint fits that two-pronged billing: The local bar, obviously.

All this makes a certain ounce of sense. At least I presume to a drunk. My only suggestion to Moore for the next time: Drive if off in a cab on the way to the bar. And yes -- in a passenger seat preferably.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/florida-man-busted-dui-thought-driving-sober-cops-article-1.1712595

He Did NOT Have Sexual Relations With That Woman! But If That Be True, Then Why the Hell Didn't He?!?

She's 23-year-old British "reality TV star" Amy Childs. And Good Grief, just a take a look at that broad! Who in his right damn mind would NOT unhitch the ol' barn door and start plowin' them tracks of land?

Some famous married athlete there named Darren Gough (an "ex-cricketer"), that's who. Or so Childs claims (suggesting there's been no hanky panky between the two "friends")...

The alleged affair has the Limey tabloids all ablaze, but Childs continues to say "nothing to see here" -- all the while allegedly using the rumors for personal gain to "publicize her clothing brand" and "defiantly remaining in front of cameras as she models her new swimwear" (links below). Smooth!

For his part, the 43-year-old Gough (currently in Splitsville with his old lady) has refused comment, and who can blame him? Would you ever deny a rumor that you'd banged that hot little number Childs? And given that he's technically still married, how the hell can he admit same? But the real question: How come I can never get a piece of such a terrible dilemma?

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/darren-goughs-long-suffering-wife-should-3221687
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2580226/No-worries-Amy-Childs-leaves-troubles-home-jets-sunny-Spain-models-swimwear-range.html

Way Overblown: "College Group Bans White People From 'Diversity Happy Hour,'" But Purports to Take No Action Prohibiting Honkies From Simply Getting Their Drink On in the Back of the Joint...

Hey, if the non-crackas at this Washington state college (link below) want to ban me and segregate me to a different part of the bar away from their Diversity Happy Hour, I ain't gonna lead no protest marches or boycott efforts over here...

It's not like they're saying I can't get all fucked up at the back bar or up on the roof.  Keep me separate, if you will, just so long as you treat me equal. That, after all, is what the young-uns and the smart ones these days refer to as, Progress.

http://www.infowars.com/college-group-bans-white-people-from-diversity-happy-hour/

Why the Long Face? Israeli Supermodel Bar Refaeli Laments Her Trouble Finding a Man. Pssst: Hey Baby, I'm Up for Grabs!

When not strutting scantily clad around a Thai beach over the past week (pics above), the 28-year-old former Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model's got angst and a whole lotta antsy when it comes to landing that right guy (link below).  Barks Bar:

"I don't understand it. I'm okay. I look great. I'm cool. I like going out. I like being at home. I like movies. I like eating. So what's wrong with me? Why am I alone?"

One thing it's clear Bar doesn't like so much is speaking in long, overly complex sentences. Which, truth be told, should only make her all the more "cool" to all the dudes out there. But I digress. Refaeli reveals further:

"I'm looking for someone serious. Who I can set up home with. Someone who comes from a warm loving family. Like mine. Who has values like mine."

Now, having taken in all of Bar's babble above, I'm prepared to make my pitch. We have so much in common, my bountiful Bar-berella:

- I like going out. As long as a Bar's involved. You gots that covered.

- I like being at home. After the bars are closed. It beats the sidewalk.

- I like good eats. I see a cab ride to Go Chicken Go in our future.

- I like movies. Especially about gladiators. Or gangsters. Or Indian fracases.

- Am I cool? Who the hell ya think you're talking to over here?

-I  look, well, like only I can look.

- And last, though not least, I exude an air of seriousness, which I chalk up to a frighteningly functional family that had lots of values, of one sort or another.

So I hereby give you my application. See if ya get any better ones, there, Bar babe. Fat chance on that.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2573121/Bar-Refaeli-shows-curves-striking-mismatched-bikini-holidays-Thailand-male-friend.html