Sunday, July 3, 2011

U.S. Breaks Away From Great Bacon: Americans Go Silly Over Swine This Weekend But Have Trouble Recalling Whom We Declared Independence From in 1776




It's the reason why we celebrate this Fourth of July weekend. It was on this weekend in 1776 when the southern states broke away from the rest of the union in order to wage war against an upstart German regime that had just Pearl Harbored us. We took a little bacon, and we took a little beans, and we met the bloody Krauts, with the help of the Japanese.

Yep, always the bacon here in America. And so it is this weekend that we get showered with rather incredible (if not a bit distressing) stories about:

(1) A Pennsylvania Granny going berserk on grandson for eating too much bacon; (2) Massachusetts people going ape over a restaurant sign showing a bit too much bacon and eggs; (3) Florida residents flocking to pound down bacon cheeseburgers topped with ice cream; and (4) A new poll showing that one-fourth of Americans (a fitting number) have total Fourth of July ignorance -- not knowing the country from which America declared its independence on July 4, 1776. Fire up the griddle!!!

Granny Was REALLY Concerned About Sonny's Cholesterol Levels

This Granny may purport to make you some bacon for breakfast -- but don't eat it! Lest you want to get your ass kicked by the old hag (allegedly).

Cops in Pennsylvania say that 63-year-old Granny Marilee Ann Kolynych was none too happy this week that her grandson "ate too much bacon at breakfast." It seems that Sonny had more than his fair share -- eating more bacon than anyone else at the meal.

So how did Granny react? A good scolding? A stern admonition? A relegation to the boy's room? Nope. Any of those punishments would have been way too lenient, obviously.

Instead cops say Granny took to chasing the boy about the front yard. When the old bat finally caught up with the 9-year-old lad, she allegedly "pinned him down" and "blasted him right in the face with a garden hose." And this wasn't just a little sprinkle, mind you -- the boy was quick to point out to cops that the hose was set on "full blast."

Just for good measure, Granny also allegedly gave the boy a good beating and "torturing" -- apparently all right there in the front lawn!

The boy reportedly finally escaped Granny's clutches and ran across the street to call his mom. But even when Mommy then showed up, Granny still allegedly continued to chase the grandson around the neighborhood, looking to sink her claws into him once more.

Now Granny may have to let her bacon sizzle down in the pokey mess, since cops busted her on charges of endangering the welfare of children, simple assault, harassment and disorderly conduct.

Remind Me Never to Order Bacon in Massachusetts

It's known as the great bastion of American liberal/progressivism (i.e. leftist 20 percenter) thought and populace. And the residents of Massachusetts apparently sure know how to act that way -- i.e. curmudgeony, stuffy and politically correct to the last.

Take a look at the funny and rather harmless restaurant sign below, which has been set up along Route 1 in the Massachusetts town of Peabody on a temporary basis (about a week) for a new Adam Sandler film called I Hate You, Dad. You'd think the locals would welcome the movie (and its sign) as well as the bucks and attention it will bring to the community, right?

WRONG. The locals are up in arms about this fake sign for the fictional "Classy Rick's Bacon and Leggs" diner. The linked story says the town is "at war" over the sign, including a petition drive to express "outrage" over the sign showing "a busty naked woman with only a plate of eggs and bacon covering her chest" (meaning she's not really naked, no?).

And these east coast leftist 20 percenters actually have the gall to make fun of all the so-called "conservative Bible-thumpers" here in middle America? What a complete laugh. In these parts, a little "racy" is just fine so long as you keep the naughty bits covered -- regardless of whether bacon and eggs are doing the covering.

Ice Scream When I Look at this Bacon Cheeseburger Monstrosity

It doesn't exactly have an original name (the "ice cream cheeseburger"), but whomever thought up the combination of toppings for this creature was clearly deranged. This burger is reportedly all the rage this weekend at the Florida State Fair, along with its toppings of bacon, lettuce, pickles, tomatoes and "a giant scoop of fried ice cream."

But just who in the hell is this sick burger all the rage with? Pregnant broads and stray cats? As Rodney Dangerfield might say, with grub like that, you pray before you eat. And I'm known over here as a guy with basically no taste when it comes to food. I eats anything! But not that.

The Germans Are Coming, the Germans Are Coming!

A new Marist poll shows that more than just a few Americans should lay off all the bacon and take a minute to brush up on their basic rudimentary facts of American history this weekend.

Shockingly (although truth be told, not much different from similar polling last summer), the poll finds that about one-fourth of Americans have no clue that Great Britain was the country from whom America declared its independence on July 4, 1776. Anyone out there want to my borrow my DVD of the "John Adams" TV series?

Equally as shocking (well, actually not at all) are the even more pathetic polling numbers when it comes to the 20-somethings who inhabit so-called "Generation Y." The Marist poll found that a full one-third of Gen Y residents couldn't name Great Britain in response to the question.

What's more, in a separate poll question, less than one-third of Gen Y individuals could even state that 1776 was the year in which America declared independence. No wonder they were so keen to vote for "hope and change" in 2008. I can't blame them.

Posted by The Independent Rage