So Cliche: "Amy Childs Puts Her Ample Assets on Full Display in Cape Verde." Can't These Headline Hacks Ever Come Up With Anything Better Than "Ample Assets"?

"Ample assets" ain't a bad phrase the first time you hear it.  Or maybe even after a few usages. But man it sure gets old over time...

So I'd like to ask everyone just to keep it down for a moment while I take this opportunity to propose a few alternatives to the UK Daily Mail.  Like these:

- Hawesome Honkers.

- Islamoradical Rack.

- Boatloaded Balcony.

- Two Huge Tits.

- Collectible Cans.

- Fuckin' Fun Bags!!

- Masterpiece Melons.

- Big-Ass Bazooms.

- Jesus H. Jugs.

Shouldn't I be getting paid for this shit??

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2912357/Amy-Childs-ample-assets-display-plunging-swimsuit-enjoys-sunshine-break-Cape-Verde.html

Fried Egg: Heart (& Belly) Warmin' New Details Emerge Concerning Captain Kangaroo's Last Meal on Earth. And It Had a Decidedly A-M (If Fundamentally Flawed) Flavor...

Well, he did Captain a morning show, after all! According to the linked accounts, the Good Cap'n's Last Supper consisted of a hearty breakfast platter consisting of eggs over easy, biscuits and gravy, and waffles. And while I don't mean to quibble with the Beloved Old Captain's culinary choices, I must nitpick a lick over here...

Sorry, but there are myriad preferential methods to grub up eggs rather than over easy. Gimme sunny side up, soft-boiled, scrambled or poached any day of the week over a lazy-ass, two-sided grill job.

And while I have been known to favor a good dollop (or 12 or 13) of gravy over my eggs, save your damn biscuits and waffles, El Capitan (that's way too many empty carbs, there, Chris Christie).

Too, just what kind of self-respecting breakfast Diner-diner ever takes his huevos down the hole without a good meat member? My personal prerogatives fancy a good pound steak, or leastways a ham hock or zany little bacon package.

Last but not least, never forget the grits, butter and salt to round out the attraction, Mr. Marsupial.  So R-I-P, but Please DO practice your breakfast bona fides for the next life, ya screwy sumbitch, ya.

http://www.wrcbtv.com/story/27837974/ga-vietnam-vet-loses-bid-to-stop-execution-on-ptsd-claim
http://www.latimes.com/nation/nationnow/la-na-georgia-execution-andrew-brannan-20150113-story.html

No One's Listening: Obama's "State of the Union" Spiel Attracts "Lowest Audience in 15 Years" For the Highly Publicized Annual Event...

BTW: Obama spoke this week?  Missed it. Must've had more important things to do that day.

Like laying bathtub grout. Or flushing the wax out my ears. Or obsessing all week over Brady's deflated balls.

Just ain't enough hours in the day any more.

http://variety.com/2015/tv/ratings/state-of-the-union-ratings-lower-fox-news-tops-cable-overall-cnn-leads-in-demo-1201411030/

What a Reach (Around)! Billy Crystal Draws Ire of "Social" Media's Politically Correct Minions, Imploring: "Stop Shoving Gay Sex Scenes In My Face!" But I Agree!

Here's how it is: I ain't tuning into some of favorite TV dramas (e.g., Banshee, Game of Thrones, Justified, etc., etc.) to see all the mindless gratuitous sex scenes they always seem to be tossin' into the mix.  When I want to get off on steamy make-believe sex, I'll just plop in a fuckin' porn for Chrissakes! (But not tonight -- it ain't Friday yet).

Sure, at times (although rarely) the soft-shoe sex scenes on regular TV shows can be kinda cool.  Like when that huge-titted bimbo on True Detective went to work on Woody Harrelson in Season 1!  Or when a couple 'a broads suddenly tag team a dude right outta the blue!

But typically, these TV-drama sex scenes are very sleep-inducing. Been there. Done that. YAWN! Simply put, otherwise outstanding dramas like those mentioned above could use far fewer of the obligatory, highly boring soft-core fuck-fests.

And this basic proposition (i.e. stop boring the living shit out of me over here) really makes no fuckin' difference if the gratuitous sex scene involves heterosexual versus gay sex. Enough already. Take it to my On Demand Porn channel and/or cut it the hell out of my drama show, for Jeezal Peezal Sake! 

Finally, as for any of you rotgut, group-thinking "social" media types who have any problem with Crystal's or any of my sentiments: I, unlike your Messiah, Obama, thought permitting gay marriage was the right thing to do years before Obama kept opposing it all the way up until the late hour of 2012 (when village idiot Joe Biden forced Obama's hand for Obama to end Obama's long-held homophobic position of gay marriage opposition)... 

What an Inconvenient Truth for all the zombie-brained, homophobe-card-playing, "social" media lout hypocrites out there.  But same as it ever was, No?!? 

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/billy-crystal-stop-shoving-gay-sex-scenes-in-my-face-9987381.html

Politically Incorrect: Former Slave Colony Barbados Becomes the Winter "Go-To Place for Celebrities" Like Model Jodie Marsh and Others...

Other celebs seen recently on the former slave island's white sands include Simon Cowell, Lauren Silverman, Emma Forbes and Chloe Green (Mail link below). It's apparently become quite the holiday spot for the jet-setting crowd!

Never mind the island's dark history as a former Caribbean slave colony which once boasted an African slave population of over 80,000.  Which is not even to mention another former slave population on the island comprised of my ancestors' countrymen, the Irish, who were taken to Barbados in bondage by the English and whose descendants to this day form a poor, permanent underclass on the island referred to by the pejorative, "redlegs."

But enough of all that shit already.  How's abouts them side-tits on this Jodie Marsh?!? That broad can feel free to chain up my Kraut-Mick ass and paint my lower protuberances red until the sands turn green for all I care. Only one caveat, baby: Rager don't do tatoos.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barbados
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2893806/Jodie-Marsh-shows-sideboob-again.html

Someone Ring the Cops: Who Is This Flabby, Mullet-Headed, Man-Boobed, Pasty-White Old Goober of a Dork Harassing This Hot Little Number?

Regardless, meponders that this saucy little swallop Anjulie Persaud needs to trade up.

Like yesterday.

Leastways lest Lawrence from Next Door was just panhandling or looking for his missing sunblock.

Oh for the days when they didn't let hobos out on the beach before dark.

You just can't go anywhere any more.

http://globalnews.ca/news/1224401/toronto-mayor-rob-ford-gets-support-from-bill-maher/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2894847/One-happy-New-Year-Bill-Maher-58-soaks-sun-bikini-clad-girlfriend-Anjulie-Persuad-31-Hawaii.html

Now These Positions Open Up All Sorts 'a Possibilities! Alec Baldwin's Old Lady Hilaria, 31, Gets Blasted on "Social Media" For Being a "Fame Whore." WTF?!?

Pot meet kettle, "social media." 'Cause seems to me that you are chock full of little tiny people living down in a sub-basement somewhere and grasping for that one moronic tweet, post or comment that might get you noticed by someone other than Aunt Gertie or Willie the Wino down to the corner.

I've never even understood the moniker, "social" media. It's always seemed pretty anti-social to me:  Principally comprised of politically correct, grouchy, curmudgeony, group-thinking creeps who -- to quote a fellow MU alum -- probably haven't had a day of fun in their whole lives.

As for this hot little number Hilaria: This broad can feel free to be a freakin' fame whore to her little heart's content! Just keep them pics 'a comin', Baby! And if this sweet dish's next pic involves the ol' Butter Churner, I just may have to excuse myself to the shithouse for a few days (sheepish grin).

http://www.kdramastars.com/articles/25712/20140620/alec-baldwin-wife-hilaria-baldwin-instagram-yoga-pose-cleavage.htm
www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2891864/Hilaria-Baldwin-slips-two-piece-illustrate-bathtub-pose-complaining-fame-whore-jabs-gotten-her.html

For Sarcophagus' Sake: "Thief Steals Hearse at Church with Casket & Body Still Inside"!

Story's from South L.A.  The hearse in question was reportedly left idling in the church parking lot by the funeral parlor pard with the coffin and dearly departed still chilling in the back (link below).

But if I've said it once, I've said it a million times:  If you leave the keys inside, then shame on your dumb ass when they take a ride.  Silly undertaker.

http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-thief-steals-casket-20141228-story.html

Holy Holiday Healthiness: "Melanie Sykes Has One Hell of a Bikini Body!" Uh...

...That's one way to put it mildly.

Realize that this broad is actually older than the Rager!?!

Good Grief.

And never mind who she is.  Because I don't know.

Said Hilary: What difference, at this point, does it make?!?

http://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/melanie-sykes-one-hell-bikini-4710954

Disproportionate Response: "McDonald's Drive-Thru Patron Pulled Gun Over Missing Cheeseburger." That's Not Justice, My Friend...

Retaliations that don't fit the slight have no place in the criminal world. None. Like when Don Vito Corleone refuses to whack out the sleazejobs that carved up Bonasera's daughter. "That is not justice, your daughter is still alive," the Don waxed philosophic to his undertaker friend. Instead, the Godfather ordained that the culprits suffer just as the broad had suffered (i.e., something in the way of torture but short of getting whacked).

Which brings me to this cheeseburger caper in Tennessee, where cops say 21-year-old Demetri Johnson brandished a gun at employees when his order was missing a sandwich.  Dude! What were you thinking?!?

I might be able to see it if he'd been gypped a premium sandwich, like a Big Mac, Quarter Pounder or McRib. Those damn things cost like four freakin' bucks nowadays.

But a cheeseburger? That's what, a buck plus tax? Something like that simply never warrants an full-on aggravated assault (allegedly).

My best advice to Quick Draw McGraw over there is to keep your gun under the seat next time. A Dollar Menu item ain't never worth much more than a good punch in the schnoz or maybe a couple 'a eye gouges.

Cheap food for thought. And for Sagan's Sake, Demetri, don't ever make the mistake of takin' this weak-ass shit to the Don on the day of his daughter's wedding.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/gun-pulled-over-missing-cheeseburger-785154

New Study: "Men Who Like Spicy Food Are Likely To Be Alpha Males." But I'm Calling Bullshit...

You can't make a dish too spicy for me (and I'm talking culinary preferences here, not broads, although the same principle applies equally to both). I've yet to meet a good grub plate that had too much red pepper flake, street-grade horseradish, or habanero hot sauce sloshed all over it. The hotter the better, damn you!

So someone best inform these Grenoble University researchers that they gots it all wrong over there. Because I ain't no "alpha male." I've got about as much desire to be a high-strung prick who goes around imposing my will on others as I do to take my hot sauce up the ass from Dick Cheney down at Gitmo (even if porn stars do swear by the method of hot-pepper-laced rectal rehydration as the best cure out there for a flacid frankfurter. I digress).

But, while I want no part of ordaining edicts, decrees, dictates or ultimatums on either the laws or everyday behaviors of others (I'll leave that sort of thing to Obama, his leftist 20 percenters, and other "alpha male" louts everywhere), it can also be said that with two solitary exceptions, no one tells me what to do. (Employers (I gotta earn, don't I?) and cops ('cause they'll beat the livin' fuck out of me otherwise) garner those lone 2 exemptions, BTW).

In short, rather than bearing any relation whatsoever to alpha assholes, what I'm feelin' over here is a most definite correlation between love of blast furnace hot eats and being an Independent.

So I'm officially givin' Grenoble a chance to go do some of that shit the slimeball politicians are always trumpeting (ya know, "recalibrating," "pivoting," "evolving," "robusting" -- all that mindless crap) and then shoot me some new study results in a few weeks. They need only mention "Independent" once in the banner and then 1 or 2 additional times in the body. I'm evolving like that.

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/12/15/spicy-food-study-alpha-males_n_6325758.html

Bill Cosby Daughter Evin Rushes to Big Daddy's Defense: "He IS the Father You Thought You Knew!" I Gots Only 1 Thing to Say to This Broad...

...Nice Rack.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/16/bill-cosby-daughter-statement_n_6334700.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2876429/Now-Bill-Cosby-s-youngest-daughter-leaps-father-s-defense-says-FATHER-thought-knew.html

May-December Dirtbags: Central States Should Be on the Lookout For These Two Slimeballs After The Old and the Not-So-Beautiful Escape from the Kentucky State Pen...

The story's from WDKY Fox 56 in Lexington, Kentucky. The two brutes were in the joint for thievery before their escape. But what strikes me as Pinkel-remarkable about this item is the almost laughable age disparity between this troublesome tandem of thieves!

First you have this Joshua Stephenson, whom I wouldn't be surprised to find out just dropped out of Harlan High School and straight into the Boyd Crowder crew in a final season episode of "Justified."

Next up in this unlikely den of thieves is this old, eye-patch totin' Michael Fleet character, who looks like something out of a bad western picture from 1969. And does Kentucky really allow old fat white-bred cons to wear big shitkicker hats and burnt sienna ascots around the hoosegow?

But that should make Fleet, at least, easy to spot for all of us flyover peons. Just keep an eye out for a one-eyed old fat man flouting the gun control laws atop Beau the Horse. Hell, you'll probably be able to smell this thievin' fatass old cattle poacher a mile away!

http://www.foxlexington.com/newsroom/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2861769/Rooster-Cogburn-returns-Bungling-news-station-accidentally-screens-picture-John-Wayne-segment-prison-break.html

I Could Give a $$$uck? "Cash-Strapped Mother-of-Four Reveals She Is Selling Her Own Breast Milk to Fund Children's Christmas Presents"!

It's a bit of a sad story that this 26-year-old broad Rebecca Hudson must resort to bartering her bazonga booze in order to make nips meet this holiday season.  But the full-bosomed flipside of this sick equation is even more deranged...

I NEVER would've thunk that there is actually a viable market out there comprised of grown men willing to pay to suckle on a lactating lady's lampposts. Non-pasteurized, no less. Talk about an outbreak of amoebic dysentery just a waitin' to happen.

http://metro.co.uk/2014/12/04/mum-of-four-rebecca-hudson-has-made-3k-flogging-her-breast-milk-online-4973730/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2860527/Cash-strapped-mother-four-reveals-selling-BREAST-MILK-fund-children-s-Christmas-presents.html

Hail the Tricky Dick (Or Else): "Obama Launches Profanity Laced Tirades Against the Press"...

Which just goes to show:  If surveillance and harassment of the media do not at first succeed, then try try the more direct approach.

http://newsbusters.org/blogs/scott-whitlock/2014/12/08/ann-compton-obama-he-has-profanity-laced-tirades-against-press

"Yes, They're Real!" But Was 25-Year-Old Model Gabi Grecko Trying to Assure Us About Her Bazooms or About Her Claim That She's a Couple With This 71-Year-Old Coffin Dodger!?

This Aussie lassie Gabi recently took to an airplane shithouse to snap the above-featured side-teet Instagram. And I wouldn't ponder the mystery too long of what she be talkin' 'bout with her accompanying "Realsville" claim...

Her 71-year-old fossil fiance Geoffrey Edelsten is a filthy rich medical entrepreneur, so I'd assume Gabi's upcoming marriage to the medical miser makes perfectly green sense to her. I mean, this broad refers to her bellarmine benefactor as "Father Christmas," for Chrissakes!

That leaves as the only issue those two big ivory cannons and the question of their authenticity. On that front, I personally doubt this dame's plane claim. But who really gives a rat's ass? Gazonaga Gabi gets the moolah, and Father Christmas gets the milk. Qualms over enhanced delivery devices are for windbagged wienerwursts.

https://au.news.yahoo.com/thewest/a/25600117/edelstens-spread-raunchy-yuletide-cheer/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2846856/Gabi-Grecko-exposes-boobs-plane-bound-Los-Angeles-prove-real-fianc-Geoffrey-Edelsten-s-followers-question-impressive-cleavage.html

G-O-Pea-Brained Priorities: gop-ers Don't Talk About the National Debt Anymore (Now $18 Trillion), Apparently More Interested in Such Things As Ravaging the Obama Daughters on Thanksgiving...

I've noticed that even the right-winger gop-ers the past few years couldn't give a rat's ass (even in their usual meaningless lip service) about the ever-growing, increasingly stifling, and future-threatening $18 trillion national debt. Pray tell why?

Maybe it's because they think it's no big deal now that Obama's only adding about a half trillion to the debt this year (after Obama collected a record one-third trillion in taxes the past 8 weeks), as opposed to the full trillion or more that he added to the debt in previous years? "Progress," as the leftist 20 percenters like to cluck -- we're digging our own graves at a slower pace this year!

Or, maybe the right-wingers are just tired of being hypocrites, since W Bush was the worst debt accumulator in American history not named Obama? (Obama's added 70% to the national debt on his watch).

Or, maybe it's just that the gop-ers don't want to talk about the national debt since they have more important things to tackle these days?  Like the outfits (shown above) worn by Obama daughters Sasha and Malia on Thanksgiving, for starters... 

Some gop-er communications director broad named Elizabeth Lauten (also shown above) saw fit to take to the facebook over the holiday weekend to slam the girls as "classless" for dressing like they want "a spot at a bar" and for "making faces" at the annual White House "turkey pardon." (I don't agree with extending Jonathan Gruber a pass, BTW, but that's a topic for a different day.)

Never mind that neither daughter's typical teen attire nor facial expressions looked anything inappropriate to me. That's beside the point.  Because even if they'd strolled out there lookin' like strip joint floozies with a couple of garments gone, the president's and presidential candidates' kids (particularly when the politician has a "D" next to the name) are always off limits -- as untouchable as talking about the national debt these days, apparently.

Meantime, Lauten the Lout has since reportedly "prayed," apologized, and then resigned over the incident. Maybe she asked the Almighty for a brain. With messengers like her, the gop-ers might actually win the presidency again in another two, three hundred years. You know, around the same time that a gop-er or democrat party follower actually professes to give a fuck about the destruction they've wrought on the rest of us for 14 long years now.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/republican-aide-slammed-malia-sasha-obama-resigns-article-1.2028824
http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2014-12-01/total-us-debt-rises-over-18-trillion
http://www.usdebtclock.org/

No Turkey Day Porker Any Longer: A Healthy Jessica Simpson Shows Off Her Sweater Suckles in "Ultra-Sheer Top"!

Damn.  Thems, I mean she's, lookin' good these days (pics from a recent stroll in the Big Apple with her old man).

And Methinks me sees some nipsicles! Which itself raises a critical point:

I've never understood why so many broads eschew the ultra-sheer?!? It's downright boring having only the cleavage to stare at all the time.

After all, a bazonga without a bullseye is kinda like an ass without a hole.  What the fuck good is that for anybody?

http://www.eonline.com/news/584594/jessica-simpson-looks-chicer-and-thinner-than-ever-during-nyc-visit-with-eric-johnson
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2776828/Amply-charmed-Jessica-Simpson-dons-ultra-sheer-pleated-skirt-alongside-husband-Eric-Johnson-NYC.html

So He Finally Gets Around to It After All These Years? Obama Announces He Will Ordain by Executive Order that Five Million Illegal Immigrants Shall Be Deemed de facto "Legal"...

"I Will Make It Legal," scowled Senator Palpatine. But no worries -- Palpatine didn't become The Emperor until much later on. Besides, I have always since the start thought that Obama carries himself (and is treated) much more like a monarch than an emperor or president. But regardless...

Ya know, I absolutely hate for either (1) Obama and his leftist democrat party minions or (2) the right-winger gop-ers to ever dictate to me what I'm going to talk about on a particular day just because they happened to pick that day to pull some of their slimy partisan horseshit.  But I do gots a few quickies here when it comes to His Majesty's TV "announcement" (of what we've known for almost a year is coming) on Thursday night:

-Strikes me that the Congress (with a gop-er party so beholden to the Chamber of Commerce and big business lobby) will probably pass immigration legislation in the next few years that will accomplish the same thing Obama is now set to dictate through executive order. So what's so freakin' earth-shattering here? Well, not so earth-shattering except, that is, for the putrid U.S. job market, which needs this cudgel blow to the gut like a midget needs a playful frolic through a car crusher. But explain to me when Obama has ever during his presidency given a rat's ass about jobs or the ongoing plight of the "stupid" American worker? Except for doing damage, Obama's done little on the jobs issue over the years apart from espousing the bare "minimum," in more ways than one.

-When a future president with an "R" next to his name cites to the current precedent being set by Obama in order to sign a similarly sweeping, constitutionally overreaching executive order that should be left to Congressional legislation (as Obama said to Hispanic audiences myriad times in recent years before taking the opposite position now), and when the leftist 20 percenters start going their typical apeshit and marching in the streets over said action by the "R" guy, I am going to laugh out loud (literally) right in all of their sleazy little leftist faces. Hypocrisy and taking opposite positions when convenient are the den of group-thinking, dim-opinioned dolts, after all, and never a more hypocritical lot will you meet than the leftist ideologues -- an angry, rotgut group of clones who take "the ends justify the means" mentality to the deepest depths of human depravity.

-Obama could have easily pushed (and had the Congress pass) immigration legislation in his first two years in office (recall those now long-gone democrat party House and Senate super-majorities?), but chose instead to ignore the issue back then (plus more important issues like jobs and exploding debt and deficits) in favor of a year's worth of groveling over Cap'n Trade (first) and Obamacare (for an excruciatingly long second). Gosh, what a warrior for the immigrants!!! Far from being "forced" to decree this executive order now, the truth about the ever-deceitful Obama is that he simply didn't care enough to ever push the immigration issue until he had the chickenshit political cover of his lame-duck presidency. I mean, do you have any idea how many rounds of golf this individual could've gotten in this week if not for all the time he had to spend on this whole executive order thingy? But never fear. He's in Vegas today. He'll make up for lost time.

Rotten Guys Finish First? Hot Little Number Anna Hansen Is STILL With Disgraced Bike Jockey Lance Armstrong!?!

Look at that broad! Good Grief, she's healthy! Which is why I don't understand why she continues to stay with her cheatin', dopin', lyin' humiliation of an old man?

Put another way, I don't imagine there's a company, organization, celebrity or public figure worldwide that would touch Lance Armstrong with a ten-foot pole these days, but this biker babe still allows him to touch her headlights and bike basket with his grubby little paws and ten-speeder?

When the Dodgers' old manager Leo Durocher coined the phrase, "Nice guys finish last" in 1946, I wonder if this is what Leo The Lip had in mind? (Maybe not, since I've never seen a broad in one of them '40s pictures that looked anything like Anna Hansen).

At the very least, however, maybe I should look into this whole "act like dirt, get up a skirt" thing. Worst case scenario: The dish calls me an asshole and tries to take a poke at me. But I'm already used to that kinda treatment.

http://www.tmz.com/2014/10/16/lance-armstrong-girlfriend-kissing-beach-picnic-photos/