...and be sure to grab yourself a nice big piece of breast.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Happy Turkey Day! Don't Forget to Give Thanks for All Life's Blessings, Big and Small...
...and be sure to grab yourself a nice big piece of breast.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
She Was as Cool as a F*cked Up Little Fonzie: "Drunk Motorist Poses for Mugshot with Two Thumps Up" After Allegedly Going Berzerk in Attack on Cops!
Maybe Samuel L. Jackson's hitman character from Pulp Fiction got to her or something and said "bitch chill, or else I'll whack ya out!" But regardless of what it was, something transformed this bombed broad from a wild-ass fuzz-buster into a cool little Fonzie wannabe inside of a very short period of time (allegedly). Maybe the cops just gave her another drink?Anyway, it all started when 24-year-old Michelle Watson of Prescott, Arizona was allegedly driving her old heap down the road whilst plastered to the tune of three times the legal limit -- typically a recipe for unhappy endings. And sure enough, Watson allegedly started swerving all over road, driving up on sidewalks, and taking out or bouncing off "numerous curbs" as she sloshed her way merrily along.
And when the cops dared to pull her wasted ass over, the fun really got rolling! First, Watson allegedly started cursing up a storm, unleashing "an outburst of profane language": "I don't have to walk fucking nowhere," Watson allegedly blasted at the cops.
Watson next allegedly refused to take any form of sobriety test and proceeded to go apeshit on the cops, "shoving" one of them and kneeing a second one right in the crotch when he tried to slap the ol' cuffs on this blitzed babe -- as she all the while continued to let the expletives fly! Not cool.
When finally cuffed following the scuffle, Watson reportedly continued to cuss the cops and forced them to physically carry her to the police cruiser, which she then allegedly proceeded to kick the hell out of once she was deposited inside.Miraculously, however, "her mood appears to have brightened" during the time it took cops to haul this liquored-up lush (allegedly) down to the local hoosegow for booking.
There, Watson was reportedly able to shake off the effects of her drunken haze (allegedly) long enough to "cheerfully pose for a mughsot with two thumbs up and a winning smile," as pictured above. You'd think she'd just scored a free case of Keystone Ice right there in the can!
No word whether Watson was still laughing and posing once cops next slapped her pickled, grinnin' kisser with charges of resisting arrest and aggravated assault on a cop, not to mention the seemingly novel charge of "super extreme DUI." Maybe it was that sad, funny charge, in particular, that met with so much exuberant approval from this youthful boozer (allegedly)? Two thumbs up-worth, apparently.
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/dui-super-extreme-suspect-flashes-thumbs-smile-mugshot-article-1.981245?localLinksEnabled=false
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/happy-drunk-mug-shot-654891
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2064585/Michelle-Watson-gives-2-thumbs-mugshot-shes-charged-assault.html
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/happy-drunk-mug-shot-654891
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2064585/Michelle-Watson-gives-2-thumbs-mugshot-shes-charged-assault.html
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
New Studies: "Living in a City Makes You Fat, Infertile, Blind, Depressed & Even Causes Cancer." Well at Least I'm Cancer-Free, Baby!
Looks like I picked the wrong week to pitch a tent down at my local urban "occupy protest." Because according to a slew of new studies from America, Britain and Spain, I'd be well-advised to get the hell out of Cowtown and see if I can finagle one more road trip outta my '79 Dodge Ram and take up residence outside Hartsburg, Missouri, in the proverbial van down by the river.According to the new studies, "urban living carries a significantly increased risk of chronic health disorders, such as [1] mental illness [well, yeah], [2] immune diseases [what are those, and does gout count?] , [3] arthritis [does that account for an incessant shaking of the hands?] , [4] heart disease [one too many White Castles] , [5] cancer [see above], and [6] fertility problems [how the hell would I know?]." So, if I can verifiably scratch two, maybe three, calamities from that checklist, can I just call load of bunk on these studies?
Plus, the terms "mental illness" runs a pretty wide gamut. What the hell precisely are they speaking of? Well, the British study first reports that men in cities have a higher "incidence of schizophrenia." On that front, let's see: Regular life. Internet character. Nope, no schizophrenia here. Oh, hello schizophrenia.
Regardless, the same study also points to a higher occurrence in city dwellers of such mental disorders as "panic attacks, extreme phobias and obsessive-compulsiveness." Here again for me, we're talking a truly mixed bag: I have no such attacks except when I become panicked, have no such phobias except when I'm forced to leave the first floor, and have no such obsessiveness except when a breast or ass foists itself into my daily dalliances.
All of those things are beyond my control, of course. And although the studies also reference increased eating disorders amongst urban acolytes, I'm like Tony Montana over here: I never overeat, even when I pig out.Meantime the new studies blame many culprits, such as a more frantic pace of life, for the tougher toll taken by city life. One further culprit is described as "heaving High Street shops." And while I've no clue what that means, I have been known to heave behind a Westport Road "shop" or two. But never in daylight, and never that I can remember for sure.
Finally, the linked story actually twice poses the question of whether cities should now come equipped with health warning labels, like some sort of drug or dangerous piece of machinery. I say go for it: Tack up a warning sign on every corner, lamppost and building in town. That would be sure to create some new shovel-ready government jobs and also give the garbage men something to clean up in case the occupiers ever go away.
Monday, November 21, 2011
The Campus Slut, Literally: High School Teacher Banned from Class After Allegedly "Running Porn Site MySluttyTeacher.com From School Computer"!
"Hey Teach, can you come over and help me invert my fractions," little Timmy said during class to his female teacher. But Teach told him to hold his damn horses over there: "Give me a minute, already, Timmy -- I still gots ten more pics to upload to my slutty teacher porn site, then I'll help you. The Net's real slow today." Good Grief...And even if that precise conversation never occurred, officials at Lincoln High School in Stockton, California say the pictured 35-year-old Teach -- Heidi Kaeslin -- did operate a whole slew of porn websites from her school computer, including the appropriately titled MySluttyTeacher.com. (Links to full story at bottom).
Apparently the pickings were a bit slim in terms of available porn models, however, since Ms. Kaeslin resorted to plastering her own slutty photos all over the website (allegedly), as shown above and below.
But now this alleged shapely slut's moonlighting has reportedly come to climatic end like so many porn money shots, as the school has banned the alleged slutpuppy from the classroom and placed her on leave while her alleged "porn ring" is fully investigated.One student's reaction to the news was to say, "Ignorant people will do ignorant things," although it's not entirely clear if he was referring to Teach's actions or the school's rather rash action of barring the sexy slut (allegedly) from the premises.
Another male student said he had a chance to take a gander at MySluttyTeacher.com, which he says set forth the following enticement on its main page to teenage punks everywhere: "Have you seen your teacher's breasts before? Well now you can see them!"
Meantime Teach's ultimate fate will be determined at the end of the school's ongoing investigation, which is reportedly focusing on whether she violated the school ethics code by running MySluttyTeacher.com from her classroom (allegedly).
And since I doubt the ol' ethics code has a specific provision stating "You shall not create and operate a porn site from your classroom desk," maybe this alleged sonsy slut actually has a defense in the form of "You never said I couldn't"?!? Although frankly, I see that one getting about as much traction as MySluttyTeacher.com did.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Even Dumber Than a D-1 Football Coach Busted for DWI: Driving Hammered While Wearing an "I'm a Drunk" T-Shirt!
I'd be hard-pressed to argue with anyone calling University of Eastern Missouri head football coach Gary Pinkel an idiot for his much-publicized DWI arrest this week (mugshot immediately above). The "remarkable" one makes millions of bucks a year. Call a damn cab or line up a freakin' limo already! But out of New York this week, an even more moronic creature...Cops there say 22-year-old Kevin Daly (pictured at the top) drove drunk this week, and all he got was that dumbass T-shirt to show for it. This lunatic lush got his big night started by first allegedly bashing his ride into a cop car on a drunk driving patrol around two in the morning.
Of course, if one gets behind the wheel all pie-eyed, then there are certain things you look to avoid in order not to draw unwarranted attention to yourself out there on the highway. First, you should always do your best not to barrel your car into the side of an occupied police cruiser. That tends to garner the cops' attention more times than not.
And if your hammered hide must go demolition derby on your city's finest, then make sure not to couple that course of action with any outward signs that you may be sloshed. Such as: A loud T-shirt saying, "I'm Not an Alcoholic. I'm a Drunk. Alcoholics Go to Meetings."If only this deranged drunkard Daley had consulted with me before hittin' the road that night. But as it stands, cops arrested Daley "wearing a shirt saying he's a drunk" after the blitzed boozer brought his blitzkrieg down on the cop car (allegedly).
Now this soaked strange brew may have to stitch up his next T-shirt in the con garment shop at the local hoosegow, as cops have busted his well-oiled ass on DWI charges and "multiple traffic summonses."
But, on the bright side, the only "meetings" he'll have to worry about there are the impromptu variety that go down from time to time in the community shower. "Thanks for sharing," they say at the end of those.
Friday, November 18, 2011
I Don't Call Them DERANGED Right-Wingers for Nothing! "Student gop Leader Sparks Outrage After Saying Obama Assassination Would Be 'Tempting.'"
Memo to morons everywhere (whether of the right-wing or left-wing variety): You don't ever, ever, ever post something on the Net that even so much as insinuates a suggestion of violence against the president, lest you wish to have the entire world (including a horde of Men in Black) all over your ass like the result of a Herman Cain dinner invitation (allegedly). Lesson learned (maybe) for this right-winger gop-er broad in Texas...She's Lauren Pierce (pictured on right), and she's the so-called president of the "College [republic partisans]" of the University of Texas. (Sorry, but I refuse to use the full "r" or "d" party words on this blog -- they don't deserve the respect). And apparently Pierce's brain don't work so much better than that ugly UT mascot, Bevo the Longhorn. Because why else would any sane, intelligent person tweet this out? (as shown above):
"Y'all, as tempting as it may be, don't shoot Obama. We need him to go down in history as the WORST president we've EVER had! #2012."
First of all, "Y'all": It's impossible for Obama to go down as the "worst" president in history since Obama can do no worse than equally sharing that honor with Pierce and Texas' beloved George W. Bush. If I've said it once, I've said it 1,000 times in this space: The individual we currently have as president and his awful predecessor are the two (and equally) worst and most destructive presidents of my lifetime (and it ain't even close).
Worse yet, however, was Pierce's reportedly flippant reaction after she blasted out that tweet on Wednesday. First she told ABC News that the whole thing was just a big "joke." Right! Alluding to how "tempting" it might be to have the president murdered: Always a regular barrel of laughs.
And, just for good measure, she reportedly started giggling like a grammar school girl when telling ABC that an attempted assassination on Obama would 'only make the situation worse' (which again got at her original tweet point that she wants to see Obama finish out his term for all the wrong reasons). Only after apparently hearing the wrath of someone (probably the Net community) did Pierce finally issue a half-ass two-sentence apology later on for her tweet.
This incident caps off a bad week for Obama to pick to stop smoking, as earlier in the week some slimeball with more names than Patty "Wasserman" Simpson -- Oscar Ramiro Ortega Hernandez (pictured above) -- allegedly took a pot shot at the White House (the Bamster was outta town at the time).I'm sure Hernandez was just joking around too. But at least he may get a chance to laugh it off in the lockup for a long time to come, as he faces a charge for the attempted assassination of the president. Wouldn't be surprised if that charge involves a whole lotta hoosegow exposure. Now that's no laughing matter.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
OUTRAGE: New York City Actually Requires occupy wall streeters to Produce a Valid ID Before They Can Reclaim Any of Their Rubbish from the Junkyard!
This move is sure to mean that many older occupiers will be completely disenfranchised from their right to say, "hey that smelly shit's mine," down at the city dump. This includes those numerous elderly occupiers who -- regardless of their ability to hoof it down to a voting station or protest site -- are simply unable to navigate that complex set of steps necessary to procuring a valid picture ID while out in public. Tell me, what does the Big Apple have against all members of society being able to claim dibs on their rancid, confiscated chattels?All of this controversy comes on the heals of New York City early Wednesday forcing all the occupiers out of Ourpotti Park so that sanitation workers could clean up that wretched hive of scum and villiany. In the process, sanitation workers removed "mountains" of decaying, rotten debris (pictured at the above and below) and hauled it off to the dump -- where leftist 20 percenters can claim any of it so long as they have one of those damn pesky valid ID's.
And boy did that shit stink! And then some. Said one sanitation worker: "I pick up garbage for a living, and these were some of the worst smells I've EVER experienced!" Not to mention, workers were treated to a veritable potpourri of disgusting personalty...In particular, the "filthy piles of property" reportedly included "dirty hypodermic needles, moldy food and glass-littered, broken gadgets." And that was just for starters. Also among the ruins was a "massive pile of soiled tents, old bikes and spoiled food." Guess they don't call 'em grubby hippy and dirty hippy chics for nothing.
And some of the random debris in the mountains of rubbish was also rather remarkable to behold. That included a giant Frank's pickle barrel ass (may I slip you a pickle?) that workers suspected was full of shit -- literally. There were also stray plywood sheets, chicken wire, old cables, grotesque clothing items and "smeared peanut-butter jars."
Apparently also, the protesters "inhabiting" the park counted among their leftist lot that wily old-school 'rassler The HonkyTonk Man -- since "two busted guitars" were found strewn amongst the rubble just for good measure. Now these protesters just need a bearded lady, a midget or two, and the "piggy piggy" dude from "American Horror Story" so that they can officially take this circus out on the road. Drivers license required.Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Stir It Up! Singer Patti LaBelle Allegedly Shows New Attitude & Goes Whacko, Tossing Water in a Toddler's Face & Throwing a Punch at the Pregnant Mom!
She never sounded so angry like this in her music! She's known for her long string of U.S. R&B and Dance chart hits spanning four decades (many of which I've recited below), including a personal favorite of mine ("Stir It Up") and other top hits like "New Attitude" and "Lady Marmalade." And, apparently, whatever you do: Don't let your little shit run around unattended if Miss Patti is around (allegedly)!A new lawsuit claims the whole freakish incident went down in an apartment lobby in the Upper West-Side of Manhattan in the Big Apple. A woman named Roseanna Monk says she put down her 18-month-old daughter Genevieve momentarily so that mama (a kindergarten teacher) could be "On My Own" and take some luggage out the building. And when the 67-year-old LaBelle happened into the lobby and spied the little tike scurrying around, all hell broke loose from there (allegedly)!
It's not at all clear what set LaBelle off, but maybe she was down in that lobby looking for "The Right Kind of Lover" and instead found a rotten little brat on the loose, who knows. Regardless, LaBelle first allegedly chastised mama openly, telling her: "What are doing letting your kid run around like that?"
That's when mama says she made the mistake of giving a bit of sass to the soul diva, responding to LaBelle: "I have no interest in what you say or think." (Mouthing off to one of these divas -- not bright -- mama should've known "Something Special's Gonna Happen Tonight" right there and then).Yep. Wrong thing to say to LaBelle, apparently, as the singer -- reportedly decked out in a giant fur coat and over-sized sunglasses -- allegedly started letting the obscenities fly, as she cursed up a storm and hurled a string of profanities in the direction of mama and little baby. "Oh People!"
Perhaps not feeling that her nasty message was getting through so well, LaBelle for good measure also allegedly yanked out a big water bottle and started spraying it right in the little tot's kisser! (No word whether also LaBelle crooned "(When) You've Been Blessed" during her alleged liquid lash-out).
And being that she's a showbiz gal, what great performance would be complete with a big encore? So LaBelle next allegedly took a damn swing at the mama, who just happens to be pregnant, BTW. Mama also alleges the whole ruckus made little Genevieve cry and puke right there on the spot, but that's not even the half of it...Mama says no way she could just "Kiss Away the Pain" this debacle caused to baby, as mama's lawsuit alleges the entire incident traumatized the baby so much that she "hasn't been the same since and suffers from personality changes, sleeping disorders and increased fear of strangers." But now the "Shoe Is on the Other Foot," as mama just wants her "(New) Day" in court.
Mama says she was prompted to sue LaBelle's water-chucking, fist-swinging ass (allegedly) when she read about an incident in Houston earlier this year in which LaBelle's entourage allegedly beat the hell out of a West Point cadet faster than the cadet could scream, "Yo Mister."
At any rate, these various events make me want to get a hold of LaBelle's itinerary so that I can see when the next fight's gonna break out. "Feels Like Another One" any day now, "If You Ask Me (To)." After all, I "Love, Need and Want" some action over here.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Ms. Laurie, Let Me Tear Down Your Wall: New Book Accuses Ronald Reagan of Being a Cheap Hamburger Date and a "Rude, Insensitive Show-off" in Bed...
As an Independent, I always love mentioning or talking about Reagan, because it's damn sure to piss somebody off. He's one of the most polarizing political figures of my lifetime. He's held up as the Great Hero of American Conservatism by the gop-ers even though he'd have little place today in a republic partisan party that's swung way to the right, even by Reagan's standards (they'd primary Reagan's ass today)...Leftist 20 percenters, meantime, hate Reagan with every fiber of their being, but yet will invoke disingenuous comparisons between themselves and Reagan whenever they can (see the individual we currently have as president) -- primarily just to get the goat of the deranged right-wingers. In short, Reagan's a complete lightning rod. Therefore, let's talk about Reagan!
A new book by old-time Hollywood starlet Piper Laurie doesn't exactly paint the most flattering picture of the "Ol' Gipper." He was old enough (39) to be the 19-year-old Laurie's father -- so much so that he actually played her old man in the 1950 film Louisa (pictured at the top). The two first met on the film set in the years before Reagan's marriage to his second wife and future First Lady, Nancy Davis.
According to Laurie's new book, "Learning to Live Out Loud," the old guy Reagan got off to a decent start in their September-May romance by first checking with her daddy to see if it would be OK for Reagan to take Laurie out on the town. Only problem? When daddy said yes, Reagan did nothing of the sort, instead taking the "perky starlet" Laurie straight back to his joint and feeding her some cheap hamburgers.
Apparently no sooner than Laurie could barely dab the ketchup and mustard from her mouth, the book says Reagan was whisking away the 19-year-old virgin into the next room for a little Bedtime for Bonzo. And indeed, much like the chimpanzee, the old guy (according to Laurie) was a "'show-off' who had sex 'without grace.'"Having now taken the young girl's virginity, Reagan reportedly chided Laurie after the fact by criticizing her for not "having orgasms" during their rough romp in the sack. He next reportedly started bragging up his staying power (which he had apparently timed on the clock), reciting to the stunned Laurie that he had officially kept it up and gone at it with her for 40 minutes flat, according to the book. (If only he'd have paid that kind of attention during the Iran Contra Scandal.)
Laurie says that when she complained that Reagan nonetheless had failed to satisfy her, he really started to take her to task as if he was in the middle of a bad episode of "Death Valley Days": "There's something wrong with you. You've got to see a doctor," Reagan reportedly ranted at her.
Just for good measure, Laurie says Reagan then started bragging up how much he had paid for the condom he'd used -- "in a crass attempt to prove his point." I just wish Reagan had come up with his Strategic Defense Initiative ("Star Wars") idea about 30 years earlier. Sounds like the young broads in Hollywood could have really used it when it came to dealing with him.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Reading Between the Sheets: Cali School Reportedly Has Porn Star Sasha Grey Conduct "Story Time" with the First Graders!
"Mommy, Mommy, we had fun today at school! It was strawberry milk day. And my book order came in. And little Hector farted in the lunchroom. And Mr. Grooms' hair fell off his head. And we had show and tell. Oh yeah, and a porn star read us a real funny story..."She's been called the "Kobe Bryant" of porn -- one of the more successful porn actresses of recent vintage and known for taking porn roles that other porn ladies have refused. And, for some unknown reason, Emerson Elementary School in Compton, California reportedly brought her in to hold a special story time with the first graders recently (link at bottom). I guess they felt she could blow some real spirit and enthusiasm into the time-honored tradition.
And lest there be any questions concerning Ms. Grey's qualifications to be spouting children's literature to the little shits at Emerson, check out the below short form of her resume, which includes some 150 porn films over the last five years since she turned 18. Here are ten of her more well-known titles, in alphabetical order:1. Apprentass 10 (co-starring Chris Charming)
2. Blow Me Sandwich (co-starring Johnny Sins)
3. Bring'um Young 23 (co-starring Buster Good)
4. Buttman's Stretch Class 2 (co-starring Velicity Von)
5. Face Invaders 4 (co-starring Chris Cannon & Courtney Cummz)
6. Gang Bang My Face (co-starring Wade Hardman & Lee Bang)
7. Hairy Movie (co-starring Mr. Pete)
8. House of Ass 3 (& 7) (co-starring Jassie & Aurora Snow)
9. Meet the F*ckers (co-starring James Deen)
10. Swallow My Children (co-starring Mike Hash & Dirty Harry)
So this porn broad can really bring the goods. Moot issue there. But the 10,000 pound elephant in the room -- unaddressed in the linked news story -- is which children's story, precisely, this nasty little number screamed at the little tots. Here are my ten best guesses as to which book this porn queen might have trotted out for the young tikes:10. Pippi Longdonging
9. I Hopped on Pop
8. Gimme-The-Pooh (Tang)
7. Oh, the Places It'll Go!
6. Peter and the MILF
5. Bi-Curious Georgia
4. Rump-L-Foreskin
3. Slurping Beauty
2. Knockin' Puss 'n Boots
1. Teen Legs & Ham
BTW, while I might have guessed and included on this list "Malice in Lalaland," that's actually one of Sasha Grey's porn titles and not a children's book at all. So that's one I know we can rule out over here.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2060429/Porn-star-Sasha-Grey-invited-school-read-graders.html
Saturday, November 12, 2011
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