He Got a Ride, All Right -- Straight to the Hoosegow: Florida Man Calls 911 So that Cops Will Call Him a Damn Taxi!

I wonder if cops might have been a little more sympathetic if 55-year-old Michael Barker (pictured immediately above) would have called 911 and said he needed a dentist rather than a taxi. Perhaps not...

As reported this week on legendary website The Smoking Gun, Barker (of Hudson, Florida) apparently really felt he was in need of taxi last weekend -- since he reportedly called 911 over and over again (nearly a dozen times), imploring cops to get on the blower for him and get a cab to his unspecified location out on the street.

Cops say that when they finally located Barker and his cell phone (no word why he couldn't use said phone to call a taxi himself), Barker was -- you guessed it -- preoccupied with talking to 911 yet again to hail him a cab.

But getting in a taxi wasn't the only pressing item on this coot's agenda, it seems. During his various calls to 911, he also reportedly advised cops that he had lost his prized football. Not to mention, he also allegedly gave cops a polite heads up that he "was standing on his head atop a telephone pole."

In fact, however, Barker had not actually clumb up any telephone pole, although it's entirely unclear from the linked story whether he might have actually been positioned upside down when cops found him on the street near a church.

Once Barker got wind that the cops were on his case, he allegedly tried to hide by plastering a blanket over his head (you'd of thunk he'd be asking where the hell his taxi was). But with cops still being able to see the rest of Barker's person even despite the towel subterfuge, cops slapped the ol' cuffs on the deranged taxi patron.

Down at the joint, once cops were finally able to get Barker to pose for an identifiable mugshot (a cop's hands were apparently necessary to help Barker "put his best face forward"), they booked his demented cabbie ass for 911 misuse. I just wonder, when Barker presumably bonds out (his bail's only 150 bucks) -- will cops finally call him that taxi so that he can get home?

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/man-calls-911-for-taxi-765912

Rick Santorum Staffer: Obama Needs to Rein In His "Radical Islamic Policies." Say What? Methinks Ricky Needs to Rein In His Campaign Aids...

In case you don't follow the political circus very closely (and I couldn't blame you), Santorum is the one right-winger still left standing to try to thwart stand-for-nothing King Flipflopper Mitt Romney from garnering the gop-er presidential nomination this year. And Santorum's staffers have really been running their mouths lately...

The latest gaffe came yesterday, when Santorum spokesman Alice Stewart was giving an interview to democrat party shill Andrea Mitchell on MSNBC. In the interview, Stewart complained about Obama's "radical Islamic policies."

First off, while it's not typically the type of nomenclature that I would use, I guess referring to Obama's policies in general as "radical" is within the bounds of permissible political rhetoric, since he is (with a few arguable exceptions) about the most left-wing president in American history.

But if you're going to call Obama and the leftist 20 percenter base of the democrat party "radical," then methinks the same term needs to be applied to the deranged right-winger base of the republic partisan party. Both extremes are fairly equally out of touch and divergent from the mainstream of this country. But I digress.

So leaving aside the whole "radical" thing -- Obama's radical "Islamic" policies??? That's a new one to me. What, is Obama going around trying to pull a Sgt. Brady from Showtime's "Homeland" series and secretly praying to Allah every night out in the White House garage? Please.

For her part, Stewart now claims that she meant to say, "radical environmental policies." Sure she did. It's easy to see how one could naturally confuse and interchange existing leftist policies relating to the air, land and water with nonexistent policies relating to imposing Muslim fundamentalism across the United States. When did Obama convert, anyway?

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0212/73084.html

Don't Interrupt This Man's Shopping: Portly Man Allegedly Goes Berserk on Cops For Disrupting His Buck Naked Walmart Shopping Spree!

Hey, he may have been naked, but at least it appears he was shopping for new clothes (allegedly). And it sounds like he cared none too much for his old threads (or those who might make him put them back on), either...

Surveillance video from Exton, Pennsylvania, first appears to show 6'4", 300-pound Verdon Lamont Taylor doing a little impromptu strip tease out in the parking lot "as cars swerved around him." And he took it all off (allegedly).

Relieved of his old rags, the next natural thing to do, of course, would be to head inside the Walmart to shop for some new duds. And that's precisely what Taylor (a fitting name for a man so conscious of how he looks) allegedy did.

The video appears to show Taylor calmly strutting into the store as if he owned the joint. He then starts to wander about as curmudgeony customers tried to avoid him.

Directly, this bare-skinned bald man spotted the first item he liked for his new wardrobe -- a pair of socks sitting on a counter. But like any savy shopper, Taylor made sure to confirm that first impression by trying on the tube socks.

"Slowly and methodically," this stark-naked sock man put one sock on each of his feets. And them's a keeper (apparently)! Because Taylor's next move was to start wandering around some more (I'm guessing the gloves section was next).

But then the cops showed up to rain all over this guy's leafless parade. Wrong move. Taylor first allegedly took a big spit in one cop's face! Then he allegedly struggled with the cops as they tried to detain him. And it wasn't 'til the cops zapped Taylor with a stun gun that his little stripped-down shopping stint finally came to an end.

Cops busted Taylor and arraigned him (fully clothed) on a bevy of charges for alleged assault, theft, disorderly conduct and indecent exposure. But at least down at the hoosegow, he's finally been gussied up with some new wearing apparel like he was hoping for.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/watch-naked-man-caught-surveillance-video-walmart-soxcapade-article-1.1024395?localLinksEnabled=false
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2102506/Naked-300lb-man-tasered-police-walked-Walmart-pair-socks.html

"He's Got Some 'Splaining to Do," and His Name Ain't Even Lucy: Old Man "Accidentally" Fires Up a Damn Porno for Kids at Child's Birthday Party...

"Gather round, children, gather round. The next item on the party agenda is a special added attraction. We're gonna watch The Smurfs Movie!!! And here we go!" But as the Surround Sound then features a voice screeching, "Give it to me 'til I turn blue Big Daddy," it quickly becomes apparent to all in attendance that that ain't Smurfette and Papa Smurf up on that damn big screen!...

It all started pleasantly enough last week in Tremonton, Utah, where the old man had a bunch of little shits over to his joint to celebrate his grade school kid's birthday. And the old man had a big show stopper in mind -- playing The Smurfs Movie on DVD for all the little tikes and tots.

But when the old man went to get the film started, he claims he "accidentally switched on porn for the youngsters instead of the much more child-friendly film choice." And cops say the little kids all saw the porn goin' down (for lack of a better phrase) before the old man had a chance to switch it the hell off.

The old man tried to claim that someone had tampered with the Smurfs DVD and had stuck a hardcore porn film on there instead, but the cops didn't buy it. Instead, they suspect the porn was the old man's own, although they aren't charging him with anything since they believe it was actually an "accidental" push of the buttons that pulled out the porn for the little punks.

Still though, having the porn on hand in the first place has reportedly "left the dad embarrassed by the mistake." As the local police chief [named Ricky Ricardo?] says, "He got some explaining to do" (actual quote).

Although, frankly, I'm not sure why. Who gives a rat's ass if the old man gots a little legal porn around. Now, he does need to start paying a lot closer attention to detail so that he never again exposes minors to porn (even if by accident), 'cause that ain't cool at all.

But as to having the smut in the first instance: No further explanation necessary -- leastways not in my book. As for his old lady, however: Different story, I'd imagine. But that aspect of things simply ain't within my purview.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2100804/Dad-switches-PORN-instead-The-Smurfs-movie-childs-birthday-party.html

Obama Campaign Guy Tweets that Chimichangas May Be Only Thing republic partisans Can Offer Latinos. Why Are Chimichangas Being Unfairly Singled Out?

I guess this creepy-looking goof (who looks like a slug out of a bad James Bond movie) for one second thought that he'd become a right-winger, because this is the sort of foolishness you more often hear coming from their mouths. Obama campaign manager Jim Messina (pictured above) this week tweeted his approval and endorsement of a Washington Post column (written by loony leftist Dana Milbank) saying that "the chimichanga . . . may be the only thing [r]epublicans have left to offer Latinos."

OH, OK, Mr. Obama's Man!: So if you're talking about Hispanic Americans, then naturally the only thing that comes to mind is an Hispanic dish, right? Since all Mexican and Hispanic Americans are alike? And they all eat and love chimichangas? And never eat anything other than Hispanic food, no? Especially chimichangas, correct?

Truth be told, I'm being a bit facetious over here and mostly just mimicking the typical leftist 20 percenter rant anytime a right-winger makes one of these stupid sorts of comments. For the record, it's a dumb comment. But does it make Messina or Milbank (or, for that matter, any right-winger who might've instead uttered it) a "racist"? Please.

But I can't say I'm going to lose any sleep over a democrat party person getting heat over such a comment. Not when the same leftist 20 percenter democrat party partisans -- for the entire duration of Obama's so-called presidency -- have incessantly pounded us over the head with the absurd talking point that to disagree with them or Obama on much of anything is essentially an act of racism.

So what's good for the deranged right-winger is good for the loony left-winger, methinks. But what I still don't get is that out of all possible Mexican or Hispanic dishes to choose from, Milbank and Obama's Man chose to single out chimichangas? Isn't giving preference to one form of a minority group's cuisine over another just a bit racist, in and of itself? Think that one over and get back to me, leftists.

http://thehill.com/blogs/twitter-room/other-news/210859-gop-demands-apology-for-obama-campaign-managers-chimichanga-tweet

"Youthful Challenger Takes on Chavez in Venezuela." Methinks the Leftist Dictator Best Get Obama on the Blower and Call in a Favor or Something...

The leftist socialist authoritarian dictator Chavez (whom Obama gleefully glad-hands in the above picture from 2009) may just face a decent October election challenge from this much younger presidential candidate named Henrique Capriles (pictured at the top) (link to story at bottom).

Which is why the good leftist dictator and all-around slimeball buffoon cartoon character Chavez may just want to leave nothing to chance: Enlist the thuggish, bullying, unscrupulous Obama propaganda machine to take a big bite out of this whippersnapper upstart.

And quite the machine it is: The Chicago Wormjobs (David Axelrod & Co.); Media Matters; MoveOn.org; Daily Kos; MSNBC; etc., etc. Shit, I sure as hell wouldn't want all those nefarious leftist 20 percenter slugbaits all over my ass. Pick up the horn, Chavez, and let those fat little dictatorial fingers do the walkin'! That little call may just prove more valuable than 1,000 rigged election and vanquished free media efforts combined!

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/L/LT_VENEZUELA_CHAVEZS_CHALLENGER?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2012-02-13-18-26-43

So Sore as to Take a Swipe at Him? Mama Allegedly Tries to Punch Out Junior While Attending ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS!

I'm trying to imagine how this went down. "Hi, I'm Misty, and I have an anger management problem -- now please excuse me for a second while I go beat the living shit out of my son." What's next? Some drunk holding a keg party outside an AA session? Some junkie having a needle break-out session down at the next NA meeting?

This story from last week apparently started innocently enough, with 30-year-old Misty Lawson of Louisville (pictured in the mugshot immediately above) participating in an anger management session. But things went awry real quick-like, because next thing you know Mama was allegedly clocking her 10-year-old son right in the kisser!

Cops say the old lady -- who's now charged with assault -- messed the kid up pretty decent, too -- specifically, to the tune of "redness to the eye, knuckle bruise on right cheek, and bruise on side."

For her part, Mama seems to have all sorts of excuses for allegedly going berserk on Sonny. Mama's first line of defense is that she really didn't pummel the kid's face too badly. "They make it sound like I beat my child like [I'd beat] an adult," crowed the madman mommy.

Next up is Mama's claim that Sonny had a good pounding coming to him after he called her a "bitch" during the anger management session -- since namecalling always justifies a knuckle sandwich, of course.

But even that tune apparently changed later, as now Mama's claiming self-defense as a result of the 10-year-old boy "attacking" her for no good reason during the counseling session.

I just hope that any court sentence that results from this incident involves no further anger management therapy for Mama (or the boy, for that matter). The rest of the world just can't take the excitement, I'm afraid.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/mom-hits-son-at-anger-management-765812

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2099578/Mother-punched-10-year-old-son-DURING-anger-management-class.html

Samuel L. Jackson: "I Hope Obama Gets Scary in the Next Four Years, 'Cuz He Ain't Gotta Worry About Getting Re-Elected."

That statement came during an N-word-filled recent rant (err, interview) by Jackson in Ebony Magazine (link below). Leaving aside the highly crass language, you've got to hand it to Jackson for having a point: If you're not facing re-election, why NOT use that second term to get "scary" and stick it to everyone even worse than the first time around?

Too many folks, after all, hold to this rather naive and antiquated notion that a president's job is to, you know, represent the American people as a whole (as opposed to a little 20% leftist sliver of the population). But perish that thought. It's just too scary.

http://www.politico.com/blogs/click/2012/02/samuel-l-jackson-rants-about-obama-race-114201.html

New Study Finds (1) Online Dating & (2) Meeting Through Friends Now Most Popular Ways to Start Relationship: BOR-ING, & So Much for Bars & Phonebooks!

I'm from the old school. If you want to meet some broads and start up a relationship that's worth lasting, you don't get on a computer or rely on others. Make your own path: Hit the bars! And if that doesn't work: Hit the bars again!

And that ain't even the only option. I'd advise any young punk to try some of the following stuff before ever resorting to Match.com or depending on some other person to set you up. Nearly any of my 10 suggestions are preferable to any of that dorky shit:

-Meet a broad while you're sloshed down at the end of the bar. Maybe she'll feel sorry for ya.

-Meet her while she and/or you are blitzed out on the street after the bar closes.

-Try "accidentally" wandering into the ladies' shitter at the bar and striking up a conversation.

-Or if you're in the men's shithouse, scribble down and call some of those phone numbers from the stall wall. Ask yourself, whatdaya gots to lose?

-Tell the dame that the bartender has sent you over to get her number, and then later call the number yourself.

-Try working the bar with a pocket full a' corny pick-up lines ("I'm clairvoyant, I bet your number ends with a '10'"; "Last time I saw a face like yours, Mario Lopez was sticking a crown on top of it"). Since such lines have become largely discouraged and disfavored in modern times, you may just catch the little number off-guard over there.

-Sound out the skirt's political persuasion, and then start spouting a bunch of the appropriate partisan bullshit. (If she calls herself a "moderate" or apolitical, then just use a bunch of mush-mouth -- e.g. "I think I could either way on that one"; "I think both sides raise a good point").

-As an alternative to the above-referenced street routine, when the bar closes tell the chick: "I've lost my keys, my phone's outta battery, my friends are gone, and I gots no way a' gettin' home, babe." (And if necessary: You also have to get up "super early" for work).

And even the bar's not the only viable option:

-If really desperate, open up the phone book and just start cold-calling.

-Finally, two words: Grocery Store.

http://lifestyle.aol.co.uk/2012/02/06/online-dating-becomes-second-most-popular-way-to-meet-new-partne/

No Fish Story: Teacher Spawns Big Stench After Spraying "Fish-Smelling" 10-Year-Old Boy with a Damn Bottle of Air Freshener!

There's something fishy going on here. A grade school teacher in Canada has been slapped with a suspension for choosing to fish instead of cutting bait and "trying to mask the smell of fish on a young student by spraying him with Febreze" (links at bottom). The kid's old lady raised one hell of a stink over the incident, which now has the sleepy little island town of Twillingate, Newfoundland more buzzbaited than a pack of Friday night fish fry patrons in Nebraska.

This story started crooked as a barrel of fishhooks, with the local elementary school serving fried fish to the kids one day last week. The putrid-smelling little punk reportedly came out that mess hall and started really stinkin' up the joint with the foul stench of fish. BTW, the precise connection between eating fish and having one's entire person then smelling like a big dead fish is not entirely clear from the linked stories.

Regardless, according to his old lady (named Patti Rideout; pictured below), this little stinkpot reportedly stunk so bad that he couldn't even fish for a compliment from classmates, who swarmed like a school of fish and gave the kid the business something real bad over his foul odor. So Teach first reportedly made Fish Boy stand out in the hall for an hour in an apparent attempt to give the stench an opportunity to dissipate.

But with nothing doin' on that front, reportedly, Teach then took the next logical step and tried to fumigate the malodorous little man with a big can of air freshener! And while it wasn't a can of RAID that was utilized, the kid's above-pictured old lady has opened up a whole can of worms by complaining to the school that her little shit was treated like a fish out of water and was "embarrassed, bullied and [treated] disgracefully."

"I think my son was not treated like a human being - I think he was treated like a dog or a cat," crowed the fumin' Mama. Now while I might agree that this fish-rot tot was more or less treated like a shithouse, what kind of a person would spray a dog or cat with Febreze? That would be animal cruelty. And a little tike ain't no damn animal. So methinks Mama overstates her case a bit here.

But the school apparently doesn't agree and has now sent Teach on her own little fishing expedition, a/k/a home suspension. Still, though, Mama is playin' the cold fish, saying she ain't satisfied -- neither fish nor fowl -- and will not be fully satisfied until Teach both (1) says Teach is sorry and (2) gets the hook straight to the unemployment line! Yeah, hand the broad her pink fish right in the middle of awful economic times. A damn fine kettle of fish that would be.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/newfoundland-labrador/story/2012/02/07/nl-twillingate-fish-student-reaction-207.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2098440/Teacher-suspended-spraying-fishy-smelling-Christian-Roberts-Febreze.html

Obama & Romney: Equally Pathetic Flip-floppers Willing to Say Just About Anything Perceived to be in Their Political Best Interest at that Moment...

I'd personally vote for a White Grill corndog over either Obama or Romney in November, but I will say this: If you vote for Obama on the basis of Romney being King Flip-flopper (which he is), then you truly are an idiot. Because Obama himself is Clown Prince Flip-flopper, so oftentimes for something right before he's against it (and vice versa)...

Take this week's news that Obama (with his personal campaign donations lagging behind expectations) will now fully embrace so-called "Super PAC" efforts on his behalf. (Super PACs, of course, being a special kind of political fundraising committee that's free under the law to raise unlimited amounts of money from corporations, unions and wealthy individuals to spend on advertisements supporting a particular candidate, and often not having to disclose the identity of donors until much later -- just so long as the political candidate does not coordinate directly with the Super PAC).

What you might personally think about the legality of Super PACs -- these committees have the potential to (and do) raise tremendous amounts of money to spend on both democrat party and republic partisan interests and candidates -- is largely irrelevant here. The fact is that Obama is now (with his own fundraising efforts faltering) suddenly and miraculously very supportive of Super PACs after consistently taking the position in the past that these committees are evil, treacherous, wrongful, and a proper subject of severe legal restrictions. To wit:

-Obama in his January 2010 State of the Union address, concerning the Citizens United decision striking down restrictions on Super PACs: "Last week the Supreme Court reversed a century of law that I believe will open the floodgates for special interests — including foreign corporations — to spend without limit in our elections . . . I don't think American elections should be bankrolled by America's most powerful interests, or worse, by foreign entities. They should be decided by the American people. And I'd urge [d]emocrats and [r]epublicans to pass a bill that helps to correct some of these problems."

-Obama speaking out against Super PACs in a rally in October 2010: "It could be the oil industry, it could be the insurance industry, it could even be foreign-owned corporations. You don't know because they don't have to disclose. Now that's not just a threat to [d]emocrats, that's a threat to our democracy."

Now, if you happen to be what I call (actually coined) a leftist 20 percenter American, then I fully get why you'll be voting for Obama in November. He's one of you. Who the hell else you gonna vote for?

But let's please stop any further charades, illusions or rhetoric that the individual we currently have as president is some sort of transcending, transformational political figure of the very highest moral character, principles and beliefs. He's just another sleazewad politician, little different from Romney. Feel free to vote for one of these two assclowns if you wish. But I decline.

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2012/02/07/team-obama-wants-super-pac-spending-so-obama-can-stop-super-pac-spending-romney/
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0212/72531.html

"I Can't Do It with My Big Boobies": Florida Woman Fails Field Sobriety Test and Tries to Blame Her Bad Balance on Her Sizable Rack!

We've seen a story in the past year or so concerning a drunken woman using her cans as a retaliatory weapon against arresting officers (recall the broad who sprayed breast milk at the cops). But this is a new one: Trying to use a big pair of gazongas like some sort of demented mitigating factor to escape arrest for drunk driving. But somehow you just knew them tracks 'a land weren't gonna hunt so well...

49-year-old Maureen Raymond (pictured above in the mug shot) was pulled over by cops last week in Jensen Beach, Florida, after they say they spotted her speeding and weaving all over the road. Cops first asked the shapely speed demon whether she had any injuries, to which she replied, "yeah, big breasts and whiplash." However, "it's unclear whether the two conditions were related," chirps The Daily Mail (link to full story at bottom).

Regardless, cops suspected this bountifully bosomed broad was sloshed out of her mind and gave her the full battery of field sobriety tests, all of which she reportedly failed -- blaming the failures on "her ample bosom" over and over again.

Cops say this luxuriant lush (allegedly) even found time to work a little song and dance routine into the mix. When asked to count from 60 to 90, she allegedly broke into song. Then, when she failed to walk a straight line, cops say she started dancing a little jig while at the same time telling cops that it was impossible for her to walk straight "with my big boobies."

When the cops asked this buxom boozer (allegedly) whether she wanted to give it another whirl, she replied: "Hell no, not with these!" And that was about the time that this sonsy showbiz soak (allegedly) trotted out the next part of her act, in the form of a little strip show...

When this well-endowed wino (allegedly) failed to stand on one leg, she reportedly told cops that she would need to "show them" why she couldn't pass the balancing test. So naturally she started to strip down and tried to take off her top and bra to show the cops her massive mammalian protuberances (allegedly).

But cops say they weren't in any mood for a strip tease from this floozy and so they pulled the hook on her act real fast. Now Raymond may have to try to pull out her next knocker down at the hoosegow, since cops have busted her bosomy blitzed ass (allegedly) on DUI and open container charges. On the bright side, she may now have plenty of time to hone that song, dance and strip act prior to the next arrest. (Allegedly)

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2096205/Maureen-Raymond-says-large-breasts-interfered-field-sobriety-test-DUI-case.html

WHOOPS! FBI Goes Leatherface on a Broad, Terrorizing Her Home & Child Before Realizing They Had the Wrong Damn Apartment!

It must've been like waking up in the middle of a Texas Chainsaw Massacre film: You wake up at the crack of dawn to the tune of some maniac chainsawing through your damn front door, only to be terrorized at gunpoint thereafter for no good reason, topped off by being forced to lie in dog piss! Good Grief...

29-year-old Judy Sanchez of Fitchburg, Massachusetts (pictured above with her young daughter) says the whole sordid affair went down at 6:04 a.m. one day in late January. She says that without warning, she "saw this huge chainsaw ripping down the side of my door, and I was freaking out" (actual mincemeated door pictured below).

Once the highly dangerous hacking device had ripped a big hole in the door (aided by a big kick from a man's boot), Sanchez says FBI agents stormed in, cocked a firearm, and held her at gunpoint on the floor for some 30 minutes. "I didn't know what was going on," said the frightened little number. (Apparently, your typical use of a police battering ram to break down a door is a just little too boring and blase for the Men in Black).

Regardless, this was reportedly only the beginning of Sanchez's ordeal. Sanchez says that while she was held at gunpoint during that half hour, her young daughter cried and screamed for help in the next room. But Sanchez says the nation's finest wouldn't let her off the floor or allow her to so much as console the little tike.

Just to add insult to injury, Sanchez says the FBI agents made her go lay beside her dog, which (apparently in a fit of fear) had pissed all over the floor. So held at gunpoint, kid crying uncontrollably in the next room, whilst lying in a big pool of dog piss. How nice.

Right about that time, the agents reportedly realized that, oops -- galldarnit -- we're in the wrong apartment! Turns out they were supposed to be going after some sleazebucket down the hall named Luis "Joker" Vasquez. But you can plainly see how agents might just mistake Sanchez for a man named Joker. Or not.

Sanchez says the feds were ever so gracious following the event, offering up (1) a "little pat on the back" and an insincere apology ("sorry for any inconvenience, ma'am") and (2) giving the landlord a number so he can go fill out some paperwork to get a new door. "It was like a smack in the face," said Sanchez.

Gee, thanks, FBI! Personally, I would've demanded (at the very least) to be able to keep that chainsaw. Could probably fetch 50, maybe 75 bucks for that baby down ats the pawnshop. Leastways then, one could pay to get that piss stain cleaned up and preserve the ol' security deposit. Or would that be much too easily bribed off? Although, it damn sure beats a pat on the back from Leatherface, Nubbins and Grandpa Sawyer.

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-57369821-504083/fbi-chainsaw-mistake-agents-raid-wrong-mass-apartment-cut-down-door/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2095411/FBI-agents-chainsaw-mothers-door-hold-gunpoint-30-minutes-raiding-WRONG-apartment.html

I've Now Found a 20 Percenter Group That I'm Proud to be a Part of: As In, NOT a Part of the "75% of People [Who] Text, Email, Surf Web on Toilet"...

I often make fun of the democrat party for representing little more than a small swath of the population whom I refer to as "leftist 20 percenters." But in other contexts, being a 20 percenter can be a very good thing -- such as when it means you're not in the 75% of the country who routinely peck away at their smartphones whilst sitting on the can in the shithouse (link to story at bottom)...

The new survey data from a marketing agency called 11mark reveals several startling and rather unsanitary trends in Americans' crapper usage, which is apparently becoming more and more indistinguishable from Americans' phone usage:

-"75% of people have texted, emailed, used apps or surfed the web while nature calls."

-"More than 90% of people between 28 and 35 will return a call or text" while seated in the sh*tter.

-And as sort of a sick coup de grace, 20% of men "joined a conference call while sitting on the toilet, despite the possibility of people on the other end hearing noises or accidentally htting the FaceTime video conferencing button."

I can just imagine that last one would "sit" real well with the bossman and/or a client or customer upon discovery: "Jimmy, what gives with all the waterfall noises on your end? And did someone there just break wind? If I didn't know better, I'd say you were taking this important call from a damn shithouse."

As for me, I'm sticking with the 20 percenter anti-pooper surfer minority. We're a small group. And we have no lobby. But you can be damn sure glad if you ever have occasion to need to borrow one of our smartphones in a fix.

http://www.wtop.com/?nid=41&sid=2730118

Bad Choice in Women: Girlfriend's False Rape Charges Land Boyfriend in a World of Hurt, Then the Broad Walks Away Scot Free!

Now this is what I'd call the girlfriend from hell. And probably the criminal justice system from hell to boot. Please remind me again never to visit bass-ack-ward Australia anytime soon. Geez, you can't even say "BC" and "AD" down there, and they also apparently like to reward people for conjuring up fake criminal accusations and false reports to the cops...

This rather pathetic story began when 28-year-old Australian Navy Seaman Warren Clark (pictured above) broke up with his girlfriend and asked her to move out of his apartment. Can't have that, now can we?!? So his old lady -- 22-year-old Kira Lee Gould -- naturally tried to take out her revenge (and then some) by doing a makeup job on her melon to make it look like the old man had slapped her all 'round the joint.

Next up was a trip down to the local police station, where the old lady -- full phony makeup get-up and all -- allegedly reported to cops that the old man had raped and beaten the shit out of her. Based on those allegations, cops tossed Clark's ass right in the hoosegow and raided his apartment, where they found weed (AKA la paca lolo!) and an illegal stun gun.

Cops slapped the old man with gun and drug charges (to which he pled guilty), and Australia's "Royal Navy" in all of its wisdom gave Clark his walking papers right off the plank. So now the shocked sailor's not only in need of a new girlfriend, but also a new job and his clean record back.

Never mind that the old lady's makeup masquerade and rape-and-battery tale were reportedly found by cops to be a "complete fabrication." And the saddest part of this story ain't even the old man's plight. Possess and get caught with illegal weapons and drugs and be prepared to pay the piper, young man.

Nope, the most pathetic thing here is that Aussie cops declined to level any charges against the old lady for her completely fraudulent and false felony police report! So apparently crime and falsehood pretenses pay in Australia, boys and girls (just like everything else that's backwards and upside down there). Just so long as you don't toss a "Before Christ" into the equation.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2094000/Warren-Clark-Woman-uses-make-accuse-ex-boyfriend-rape-dumped-her.html
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/dumped-girlfriend-faked-rape-injuries/story-e6frf7jo-1226257012718

Never Put a Sharp Metal Object in Your Mouth Lest It Be a Paperclip: Dentist Sentenced For Using Cheap Office Supplies to Perform Root Canal!

I recall it from an old Bill Cosby routine: These damn dentists always advise patients never to stick sharp metal objects in their mouths, but then the first thing the dentist does during a checkup is to pull out a huge metal hook and to start prying away with it! But at least those menacing hooks are approved dental utensils, as opposed to, say, a damn paper clip!

Cops and prosecutors in Fall River, Massachusetts say local dentist Michael Clair (pictured immediately above) has been a bad dentist. A very bad dentist. The sort of dentist you wouldn't have work on a titmouse in a Mississippi shithouse. Unless your endgame was one fucked up titmouse.

For starters, this dental dufus reportedly liked to cut a few corners here and there. You know -- cut a few costs during bad economic times. And what better way to show a little fiscal austerity than to "try to save a few bucks by using a paper clip instead of a stainless steel bar for a root canal procedures," as "Dr." Clair stood accused (pleading guilty last week)!

The linked full story notes that it's typically not the best dental practice to carve around inside a patient's kisser with paper clips since "using anything other than stainless steel puts patients at risk of pain and even infection." Glad the media's around to clear things like that up for us.

Same goes for the democrat party, as Massachusetts AG Martha Coakley (the braintrust who somehow found a way to lose Teddy Kennedy's Senate seat to gop-er Scott Brown in early 2010) is weighing in on PaperclipGate with the same sorts of words of wisdom that surely garnered her such AG elected office in the first place -- commenting that the Clair Affair "paints a picture of someone who shouldn't be practicing dentistry in Massachusetts, or anywhere else for that matter."

Ever the vigilant public servant, Coakley is even going so far as to recommend that "anyone who may have been treated by Clair see a dentist as soon as possible." Now while that may seem a bit drastic, I'm gonna have to endorse Coakley's advice on that front.

And finally, just for good measure, when Dr. Spooky Tooth wasn't poking around in mouths with devices one would purchase at Office Max, prosecutors say he was trying to take a clip to Medicaid, which he was charged with bilking out of $130,000 through fraudulent claims.

This deranged dentist last week pleaded guilty to a string of fraud, batter and illegal prescription charges, but I just hope he gets maximum security lockup following his jail sentence two days ago. Otherwise, a master of the paper clip like him might just bust outta the can faster than a Friday fluoride treatment.

http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/dentist-paper-clip-patients-root-canals-defrauded-medicare-pleads-guilty-mass-court-article-1.1011131?localLinksEnabled=false
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2093936/Brenda-Almeida-blasts-lenient-year-sentence-dentist-Michael-Clair-used-PAPER-CLIPS-root-canal-procedure.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2091123/Dentist-Michael-Clair-admits-using-PAPER-CLIPS-root-canal-procedure.html